I've been on a meltdown...

I haven't written in weeks. Sorry. I mean that. I received some comments during my meltdown and I appreciate them, thank you! It's been a very difficult time for me; the kind of time that causes you to develop a large lump in your throat and each time you look in the mirror you see a stranger staring back at you. It's very frightening. I've been wanting to sleep quite a bit. I have so much to tell you all. I had so much to say when I returned from New York City, but I couldn't focus on writing. I was having too many physical problems from my hernia surgery. I had that dang seroma. I still have it, but it's not leaking anymore. Instead it's a painful hard ball of something in my stomach. It hurts and it causes me to experience extreme pressure on my bladdar and my bowels. I'm angry that it hasn't gone away. That seroma has caused me to sit too long in the recliner, staring at my husband playing mah jong on the computer, game after game, thousands of games he plays until I sit in the seat if he gets up to go to the bathroom, or he goes to get something to eat.

I've been having extreme difficulties with my teenagers. This alone is enough to drive you crazy. I've had to call the cops on my own kids. I took my teenage daughter to the police station after she tried to jump out of my car while it was moving. She was screaming in all her glorious drama for the police to be called so I decided I would drive her there myself. I'd take her straight to the source. She had called me an "f-ing bitch" and I slapped her across the mouth for the first time. She antagonized me with other dramatizations and foul sounding tirades until in all I had slapped her three times. I hated it. The cop said he would have done the same thing. My husband said he would have done it too. I didn't want to do it. I hate violence. I lived on the receiving end of violence for too long. It wounded me. No one seems to understand that. I'm very sad about it still.

I had to take away all of her priveleges. I had to take away her belongings. I had to be stern and strict and ground her. I hated it all.

Then her brother started in on me. I had to call the cops when he decided he wasn't going to stay home when I told him to. He wanted to go out with his friends, but I just found out he's failing school again - this time for the fourth year. He's 17 years old and wants to quit school. I had to take all his things away from him, ground him, yell at him, follow him around the house to see what he was getting into. This has wounded me again - yet - again - wounded and no one really understands it.

I took myself off of my pills... my Cymbalta and Abilify. I didn't feel any better on them and after six years on Effexor and then another year trying to deal with the change to Cymbalta and then adding Abilify our insurance benefits are being played with and who knows... maybe someday I won't be able to take my pills anymore because I can't afford them. If I felt bad on them, then why take them? I gradually withdrew from them for a month, but I am still in withdrawl. I spend a few hours a day feeling like I have the flu. My body aches and my head gets soft and blurry. I'm truly wounded by all of this and I'm tired and I need lots of sleep, but our income has just been cut in half and I feel helpless to make money. No one will hire me.

I applied for a job and the woman lied straight to my face. She said she wasn't hiring and the signs were up all over the store. It was just a McDonald's Restaurant. I have always gotten any job I applied for. Now it's not that easy for me. I can empathize with those who have difficulty finding a job. I'm torn... what to do?

It's football day and I've always loved it but today my family is all in Florida at the wedding of my nephew. I couldn't go for two reasons... my seroma and we just couldn't afford the trip. I have been away from my family one too many times when they were celebrating. I miss it. Another reason I don't want to be there is that I am too fat. I wouldn't survive the hubbub. I am the oldest, I was always the prettiest, the most wonderful girl... now I'm not and it's horrible to be where I am.

My adult son is ignoring me and acting like I'm the cause of all of his problems. He won't let me into his life and finally I told him that I don't know him very well at all. I told him the truth about what his brother and sister think about him - that he's an alcoholic and that all he cares about are his friends at the bar and his drinking. Now I think he's going to work a different job but he's not telling me or his siblings anything about it. This wounds me. I'm his mother and no one has loved him more in his entire life than me. LIfe sucks sometimes and I hate it sometimes.

I told you I was on meltdown. I'm going to start writing again though, every day. So come back and read me. Tell me something that I need to hear. I've been telling people what they need to hear for seven almost eight years and now I need to hear something myself.

I've been on a meltdown and I've missed you all so much.