living with emotional feelings

So much has happened...

2010-10-15T15:28:00.005-04:00

First of all... thanks to all of you who have been coming to read this blog. I haven't been writing because - well - I've been putting all of my energies into myself. That's right. Totally putting every ounce of energy I have into improving myself. This is what has transpired since I last posted.

I've lost 137 pounds since Feb.
I enrolled in college and I have a 4.0 average and am on the dean's list.
I got a part time job - IN A RESTAURANT - working on my feet again.
I cut my hair.
I've been improving our financial situation.

I love myself.

That's all... so as you can see - I've been busy. I want you to start coming back and reading some things I've learned that I want to share with you all. I have lots of emotions and feelings about all of what's happened over the past few months. I need to start writing and sharing again. I love you all.

Kathleen

More than a feeling...

2009-10-25T14:13:00.005-04:00

Although I dumped lots of stuff yesterday on you all... it wasn't even the tip of the iceberg! This picture is kind of how I feel right now. I'm trying to explain it to myself first and then relay the message to all of you but it's strangely and uniquely indescribeable.

I've been interacting on facebook. If you'd like to join me there search for Kathleen Howe or emotionalfeelings101@hotmail.com and ask to be my friend, but send me a note so I know that you've come from my blog. I'd like that. I'd like to get to know those of you who know me so well.

I've been going through so many changes. My skin is changing. I got burned the other day, right on top of my knuckle when I reached inside to fix the top on the pot roast pan. It smoked when my skin touched the coil, but it didn't hurt me. Today I see this huge ugly burn mark on my hand - I had to think... it was days ago that it happened. Where did that come from?

I've realized some things. Writing about what I've discovered about my life was making me feel slightly powerful like I had some kind of power about me. I've lost so much power in my life. I want to be powerful within myself and I haven't been successful yet. So I've been thinking of ways to become powerful.

Today is such a blur so tomorrow I am going to try to make more sense to tell you what else I've been experiencing in the twenty some days since I stopped writing. You have to stay tuned. I am thinking that in some small way if I can make sense of it, it might help someone else too.

Thanks for coming back. I'm loving you all that come back to read me again. It really feels good to know you're not alone.

I've been on a meltdown...

2009-10-24T16:04:00.004-04:00

I haven't written in weeks. Sorry. I mean that. I received some comments during my meltdown and I appreciate them, thank you! It's been a very difficult time for me; the kind of time that causes you to develop a large lump in your throat and each time you look in the mirror you see a stranger staring back at you. It's very frightening. I've been wanting to sleep quite a bit. I have so much to tell you all. I had so much to say when I returned from New York City, but I couldn't focus on writing. I was having too many physical problems from my hernia surgery. I had that dang seroma. I still have it, but it's not leaking anymore. Instead it's a painful hard ball of something in my stomach. It hurts and it causes me to experience extreme pressure on my bladdar and my bowels. I'm angry that it hasn't gone away. That seroma has caused me to sit too long in the recliner, staring at my husband playing mah jong on the computer, game after game, thousands of games he plays until I sit in the seat if he gets up to go to the bathroom, or he goes to get something to eat.

I've been having extreme difficulties with my teenagers. This alone is enough to drive you crazy. I've had to call the cops on my own kids. I took my teenage daughter to the police station after she tried to jump out of my car while it was moving. She was screaming in all her glorious drama for the police to be called so I decided I would drive her there myself. I'd take her straight to the source. She had called me an "f-ing bitch" and I slapped her across the mouth for the first time. She antagonized me with other dramatizations and foul sounding tirades until in all I had slapped her three times. I hated it. The cop said he would have done the same thing. My husband said he would have done it too. I didn't want to do it. I hate violence. I lived on the receiving end of violence for too long. It wounded me. No one seems to understand that. I'm very sad about it still.

I had to take away all of her priveleges. I had to take away her belongings. I had to be stern and strict and ground her. I hated it all.

Then her brother started in on me. I had to call the cops when he decided he wasn't going to stay home when I told him to. He wanted to go out with his friends, but I just found out he's failing school again - this time for the fourth year. He's 17 years old and wants to quit school. I had to take all his things away from him, ground him, yell at him, follow him around the house to see what he was getting into. This has wounded me again - yet - again - wounded and no one really understands it.

I took myself off of my pills... my Cymbalta and Abilify. I didn't feel any better on them and after six years on Effexor and then another year trying to deal with the change to Cymbalta and then adding Abilify our insurance benefits are being played with and who knows... maybe someday I won't be able to take my pills anymore because I can't afford them. If I felt bad on them, then why take them? I gradually withdrew from them for a month, but I am still in withdrawl. I spend a few hours a day feeling like I have the flu. My body aches and my head gets soft and blurry. I'm truly wounded by all of this and I'm tired and I need lots of sleep, but our income has just been cut in half and I feel helpless to make money. No one will hire me.

I applied for a job and the woman lied straight to my face. She said she wasn't hiring and the signs were up all over the store. It was just a McDonald's Restaurant. I have always gotten any job I applied for. Now it's not that easy for me. I can empathize with those who have difficulty finding a job. I'm torn... what to do?

It's football day and I've always loved it but today my family is all in Florida at the wedding of my nephew. I couldn't go for two reasons... my seroma and we just couldn't afford the trip. I have been away from my family one too many times when they were celebrating. I miss it. Another reason I don't want to be there is that I am too fat. I wouldn't survive the hubbub. I am the oldest, I was always the prettiest, the most wonderful girl... now I'm not and it's horrible to be where I am.

My adult son is ignoring me and acting like I'm the cause of all of his problems. He won't let me into his life and finally I told him that I don't know him very well at all. I told him the truth about what his brother and sister think about him - that he's an alcoholic and that all he cares about are his friends at the bar and his drinking. Now I think he's going to work a different job but he's not telling me or his siblings anything about it. This wounds me. I'm his mother and no one has loved him more in his entire life than me. LIfe sucks sometimes and I hate it sometimes.

I told you I was on meltdown. I'm going to start writing again though, every day. So come back and read me. Tell me something that I need to hear. I've been telling people what they need to hear for seven almost eight years and now I need to hear something myself.

I've been on a meltdown and I've missed you all so much.

Something I noticed in New York City

2009-09-28T16:58:00.003-04:00

When you live in New York City it can be harder than in the Midwest to be stuck or to even survive. Have you ever thought about not having a car and having to leave your home to walk in the bad weather, whether it be rain or snow or sleet, to get to the transportation you need and then you're out again in the weather to leave your chosen mode of transportation to get to where you work or where you're going. You have to think about your mode of transportation and the "route" you need to take to get where you're going. You have to watch the taxicab drivers because they'll try to take the "long way" so that they make more money and if you don't have some idea where you're supposed to be going - they can rack up quite a fare! None of us living in the midwest ever think about stuff like this unless we do take public transportation, but it's still not like NYC. You have to go everywhere on public transportation. There is no other choice. Besides all of that you have to fight the crowds of people as well. There are so many people there going the same way you are!

Imagine being sick with the flu and you have to go to the doctor's office. You can't just get in your car and drive there in your pajamas; you have to go out in the weather, plan your route, get on the public transportation, be in the weather again, then take the public transportation to a drug store, stand around waiting for your medication, buy things you don't need, feel like you're going to pass out standing around, get your meds but have to get back on the public transportation and then back through the weather and then back home. Back home is probably a very small space because it's so expensive living in NYC.

Say you have an operation... you'd probably take a taxi to and from the hospital, but still what if you had a complication like this seroma thing I have. You'd have to go back to the hospital when you can barely walk and deal with the stuff flowing out of your wound in a taxi and then out in the weather walking into the hospital and then again in reverse when you're done in the emergency room after having to go to the pharmacy again - and through that story. It's hard to do. It's hard to live there. What if you're depressed and don't have the energy to do all of these things?

Then the things you have to witness that aren't pretty.... there are so many things. My daughter, Michelle, who I visited in New York City told me about how hard it is to deal with living there, but she loves it so she deals with it. She just needs certain boundaries with people outside her everyday life because she can't cope with any more drama in her life than what she has to cope with everyday. I guess I understand it and accept it all, but I just love her so much and seeing her was so nice, I just wish she could handle our relationship that could include some communication on a weekly or monthly basis. She is so afraid of not being able to cope with things. I can see what she's saying, but what is life for but to share your life with your family?

Living in the city must be difficult for single people who have no one else to depend on for help. My daughter was single until recently there and I know it wasn't easy for her. I am just trying to observe her rules in life and accept what she needs because I do love her so much. No matter how hard it is to live there I would still like to live there someday. Perhaps when I'm old I'll be able to. Fifty-two isn't old, I mean old, like seventy or so. We'll have to see where I end up when I'm seventy. I really loved being in New York City. I felt like it was the perfect fit for me, for who I really am.

The fall weather has me thinking about how hard things are in New York City when the weather turns. I can imagine how difficult it is in the ice and snow. I would still love it. I even like the idea of an efficiency apartment. I would like to have an apartment in New York City, another one in Boston, and then a small house central to where all my kids are living. That's not too much to ask is it? I hope not! I'll have to get the plan into the works, put it down on paper soon. I have so many things I want to do. If this seroma would just go away and the doctor would take out my staples.... well maybe on the first of October. I hope so.

I've been feeling lost....

2009-09-27T13:54:00.013-04:00

I've been feeling lost these days; stuck in bed or the recliner because of my surgery, but more importantly being stuck standing still so close after visiting New York City. I loved that place. I belong there.

Why do we so often find ourselves in places that we don't want to be? When I returned after only being gone for 3 days, 4 nights - I felt displaced. I felt like I was being brought back to a place that I never belonged in. That's true. I just ended up here one day and I guess I have to say this... there wasn't a lot of forethought put into the place I was escaping to; at the time I was just escaping.

When you don't think much about what you're doing - you get stuck sometimes. No one ever told me that life needed to be a plan. I was just surviving, I'm still just surviving, only now I'm just surviving with insight. I've figured out how things need to be, I just need to figure out how to change them so they are like I want them to be. I need to get creative.

I'm struggling. Recovering is hard for me. Now I'm double recovering. First this hernia surgery, then the seroma, and tomorrow the doctors for who knows what they'll do to me. I'm not happy about it. There are three days left of September and we have no money. None. The trip to New York City was expensive. I'm tired of living with no money. This is one thing that is going to change.

The only reason I would like to have tons of money is to give some to my kids and to do something for people in need. I have a few causes that I'd like to be able to help, but until I have lots of money that won't be something I have to think about. I would like to live just comfortably without running out of money every month. This might get worse before it gets better so I'm bracing myself.

So... my thought of the day is, because this has to be short because of this seroma problem... is if you want to be in a certain place in your life you have to think about it and make a plan. It will never just change on its own. It takes a lot of work even with a plan and knowing where you want to be. You may fail a few times or even a lot of times trying to get there, but if you think about what you are doing every day - have some sincere and honest conversations with yourself... you might just find yourself almost there some day and the last part of your journey might be a wonderful revelation.

I'm back!

2009-09-26T12:40:00.002-04:00

Did you miss me? I've been recovering from surgery. Watching football, sitting, and sitting, and sitting some more. Been watching the new shows on television and sleeping and sleeping and sleeping some more. I had hernia surgery on the seventeenth of this month and after waking up with a bunch of staples beginning right below my belly button and extending down about five or six inches - I declared, "I succumb!" I just let the pain pills take over for a few days and then I suffered in the chair not really feeling good. I didn't know what was up but I know I hate staples. My son told me to hit my easy button and just go with it! hahaha I've been trying, but I'm not a very good patient. It has been very hard for me to sit still after my trip to New York City. My feet are the skinniest they've been since I broke my leg six years ago though. Being off my feet for a week has been wonderful for my injured leg. I've had some very strange dreams over the past week or so.

Had to go to the ER last night when stuff started POURING, yes I said, "POURING" out of my wound. I was walking around the house wondering what the stuff was all over the floor everywhere I went. I lifted up my shirt and then took off the binder they have me wrapped with and it started pouring like a stream out of my incision. My husband saw it and freaked out before I had a chance to and we were out the door in a heartbeat to the hospital. They weren't freaked out, just something that happens I guess. They call it a "seroma." It's a collection in a little pocket of fluids from your blood like, the plasma from your blood, which collects sometimes instead of dissipating into your body. I never heard of it before - have you? So now I'm sitting around with two sanitary napkins taped to my wound so it doesn't pour out anymore. They said there was still quite a bit of fluid in there to come out yet. What a weird thing to happen.

I've missed writing.

Right now Michigan is playing Indiana, then Ohio Buckeyes come on this afternoon later and then the Gators play tonight. Those are the three teams we follow because my son lives in Michigan and two of my daughters went to Univ. of Florida. My husband cooked up a big pot of chili for us to eat all day on an overcast cool day in Ohio. We have the windows opened and it's cool in here, but nice.

So... I've had some really good thoughts and some really strange dreams, but as I get back to writing a bit more every day I hope I can remember everything I've wanted to talk about. Sitting up at the computer is a bit harder than sitting in the recliner and now with this new thing with my wound I'll have to watch it even more. But I'm back and writing again everyday so stop by and read. I've missed you all!

Listening

2009-09-14T17:18:00.003-04:00

There's something that we all need to learn how to do... "listen."

I woke up about 7 a.m. Wednesday morning last week in New York City instead of Dayton, Ohio. I had been riding on the Greyhound bus for sixteen and one half hours to get there. I was so excited, but I was also nervous. I had been talking to a girl on the bus who sat in front of me; she said that New York City was overwhelming everytime she visited. I heard her. So I was more nervous than I thought I would be. I wasn't sure I would be able to handle New York City alone. I would find out, but I wasn't sure until I began to experience it. It was overwhelming right from the get go.

What is so overwhelming about New York City? It's such an extreme and intense test for all of your senses to come alive and feel, taste, see, hear and smell more than ever before. There are so many people, so many sounds, so many smells, so many tastes, and so many diversive "things" that you take in within a split second. You must be open, calm and aware. It's an awakening that life exists in a different form than you ever experienced before. But I quickly realized that in order to get the most from New York City I would have to take the time to "listen."

I heard so many voices. I heard so many languages. I heard anger, fear, outrage, compassion, strength, weakness, neediness, and the more I listened the more stories I heard from the depths of peoples' souls. It was written all over their faces, the way they dressed, what they were doing and all I had to do was to be open to them to understand. What was interesting was the difference between children and adults. The children try so diligently to mimic their role model; yet when they don't have their walls up the child within pops out when you least expect it. It's enlightening. It's hopeful. It's horrid the way many of the adults in the city speak to their children. Perhaps poverty has something to do with that. Perhaps it's the frustrations of the city and striving to survive within the jungle that causes parents to speak out so wrongly to their little mimes. It's one of the shameful parts of the city. Can the youth overcome it? I am not sure about that. I hope so.

I listened to my daughter when we had dinner and I saw the difficulty of living in the city in her body movements, in her words, in the tension in her voice, the tone of her voice and the seriousness she allowed me to see. If you listen long enough without speaking, which I find incredibly difficult, you will learn everything you need to know. I listened to the pain in her voice. I knew she was in pain but I didn't know why, but I learned. The city takes so much from you but if you are careful it gives you something back in return. You must keep everything in perspective and take in as much positivity as you can so you can cope with the "given negativities" the city proper owns.

I challenge you all to listen tomorrow instead of talking. Keep your mouth shut and just listen to everything. Listen to nature, listen to people, listen to your environment and see what you learn. Listen to your co-workers, listen to your children, listen to your spouse or partner, listen to your own self. Just listen. I challenge you to write back and tell me what you learned. It's extremely intriguing to get into the habit of just listening. See what stories are right in front of you, but you've never noticed because you were too busy talking.

New York City needs us to listen to the people. They are true Americans, the essence of what this country was built around. Be a part of Ground Zero by visiting New York City. Those people died Americans and more as part of what our founding fathers wanted for this entire country. They were living their dream. They were larger than life itself. They died for their country and for what it stands for. I learned to respect those who live in New York City. It's not easy.

Tell me something you know about listening. I'd love to hear it.

New York City... I love you!

2009-09-13T11:22:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted because I've been in New York City! I'm still suffering the effects of that famous port o call... the blessed "big apple" and I believe it had changed my life forever. I loved it. I didn't want to come home. Dayton, Ohio is a soul devouring sad place to live, but that big apple... well it's just ... just ... the best.

Some great things happened on my trip. My daughter, Michelle, actually saw me while I was there. At first she gave me 3o minutes. Then after we talked just a few minutes she took me by the hand and said let's go have dinner. It was an overwhelming experience. We talked and I understand her. We settled everything between us and I am so proud of her for trying to make the most of her life in the big apple. I thought it was just going to be 30 minutes and then I thought only one dinner, but the next day she invited me to her place to meet her fiance and to dinner again. I am so happy. Watching the two of them together warmed my heart and freed me from any fearful and negative thoughts I might have had about whether or not the two of them were right for each other. He's just a peach of a guy. I loved him. I loved the two of them together. It was such a freeing experience to know what was going on with her and the two of them and my life is now much happier.

I loved the city so much. I will tell you some things about it and things I discovered about myself while I was experiencing the first vacation I have ever had by myself over the next few days. The important part of the trip - settling things with my daughter was joyous beyond comprehension. But for right now, I'm gathering up my thoughts, sleeping a little extra and watching some football.

If you ever want a life changing experience, visit the big apple. It's the best and I'm absolutely sure of that.

Alcohol is the enemy

2009-09-06T09:25:00.003-04:00

Have you gotten into the habit of having a drink every day? Does five o'clock roll around and you call out, "Happy Hour" or "It's time for a drink!"? Do you buy alcohol every week? Do you include alcoholic beverages for every social event you plan? Do you meet your friends for drinks more than once a week? When you drink alcohol do you drink until you pass out? Do you have black outs? Do you drive borderline drunk? BE TRUTHFUL with yourself. Don't answer to anyone else but yourself. I just described my prior relationship with alcohol. I know that there are thousands or even hundreds of thousands if not millions of people out there that have grown up with alcohol in their lives and think it's socially acceptable to include alcohol in daily life. I know it's true, look at the alcohol business in the world! They're doing just fine, thank you.

Now... society has come down very hard on drunk driving. It used to be a hush hush topic. It wasn't acceptable, it never is when you kill someone driving drunk, but people just got by without any consequences for a very long time. Mothers Against Drunk Driving are responsible for making people become accountable for their behavior behind the wheel while drunk. That's a good thing although it's a big pain to find a designated driver at times, right?

Let's look at a few other ramifications of having alcohol around us. CRIME: alcohol clouds your judgment and people who are drinking are using clouded reasoning or no reasoning at all when they commit crimes while drinking or for money for alcohol. If these people have guns, people get KILLED once again all stemming from the clouded judgment caused by drinking alcohol. Domestic violence instances can become extremely escalated through alcohol. I'll share a personal experience to show you just how things can be.

I had taken my two youngest children to Michigan so that they could see their father with whom I am divorced from. He legally has visitation rights although he wasn't paying his child support. I felt bad for him though and wanted to take the kids for him to see. So I was camping in the State Park when he showed up. His license to drive had been suspended from drunk driving, but he was driving. I was trying to start a fire for the kids and I to enjoy in the fire pit and he laughed at my efforts making fun of me. He was staggering and was obviously very drunk. He grabbed a gasoline container out of the trunk of his car and stumbled over to the fire. He told me, "I'll show you how to get a good fire going!" as he poured the gasoline into the fire he held the container directly over the fire.

The fire exploded into huge flames which connected with the gasoline container and caught that on fire. He had this container on fire in his hand and didn't know what to do because he was so drunk so he threw it to let go of it before he got burned. It caught the bushes on fire which in turn began to catch trees on fire. He began stomping on the bushes that were on fire and his clothes caught on fire. He was getting burned and he began to start rolling on the ground because he was on fire. He did get burns on his body and face. I don't know how severe they were but he was so angry when people started coming to the campsite with blankets trying to get the fire out on the ground where they could reach. The fire department came and the park rangers and police came. He walked over to me while everyone was trying to stop the fire and started choking me. He was so burned and so drunk that I got away from him and the police finally put him in their control. He refused medical treatment. They finally got the fire out. They took him away, but didn't keep him in jail for some reason. In the morning I woke up to him screaming at me to open the van. He threw a long filet knife at me. He threatened to use the knife on my conversion van in which I was sleeping with the kids if I didn't open the van up and come out. My kids got to see their father acting like this. There was never another question as to why we moved away from their father.

Alcohol can do these things to people. Another example through a past experience I had...

I was having some drinks with some friends on a Sunday afternoon at a bar called the Banana Boat in West Palm Beach, Florida. We were there for about two hours having a good time and I certainly had too much to drink to be driving, but it was in the early 1980's when drunk driving was just becoming an issue to reckon with. So I waved goodbye to my friends and they went in the opposite direction in the parking lot. As I went to my car a man approached me. He quickly grabbed my keys out of my hand and shoved me into the car. Head over heels I went into the front seat and he got in and told me to put my seat belt on. I did as he said and I kept asking him who he was and why was he doing this to me. He began driving my car and I had to figure out what to do. He was driving me in the opposite direction of my home and to an unpopulated area of West Palm Beach.

He wouldn't say much to me except that "I would see what he was doing" when we got there. He wasn't a very big guy but I knew that I had to do something because he could still hurt me. I looked over at the keys in the ignition and wondered if I could just pull them out of the ignition causing the car to stop running. I didn't have anything to lose so I reached over and grabbed the keys and they slid out of the ignition. I rolled my window down and pretended to throw the keys out of the window. He was livid but had to keep both hands on the wheel because the car wouldn't steer. The steering wheel had locked up when I pulled the keys out. The car drifted over to the side of the road and for a few seconds he stared at me and yelled at me asking me why I did that. I kept saying that the keys were out on the side of the road and if he wanted them he'd have to go look for them. Fortunately he believed me. As soon as he got out of the car, I pushed over to the driver's seat and drove away. I was so frightened that I never told a soul. I should have called the police right away, but I knew that I had been drinking and would get in trouble for drinking and driving. So I just went home and never told anyone. I couldn't even remember what the guy looked like after I sobered up.

Crime happens around alcohol. People get ADDICTED to alcohol. It becomes habit to drink and after awhile if you don't watch what you're doing you become addicted to alcohol. Once addicted to alcohol, it can ruin your life, it can ruin your body and eventually it will kill you. This happens to young people, middle aged people and old people. No one is exempt from becoming addicted if you drink too much. People who are drinking too much are usually self medicating at first. There are things in their life which make them miserable or unhappy and they don't know how to face their troubles and make the problems go away so they drink so that they don't feel the pain and hurt their troubles are causing them.

This happened to me a few times when I was growing up and in early adulthood. When I was a teenager my parents drank alcohol almost every day. I didn't think anything of it. I had seen all of my relative drink alcohol. My uncle was an alcoholic and when he got drunk he abused his wife and children. I had seen that. My mother had a horribly painful disease, but she never told us. She drank to relieve the pain she was in. My father drank every day as he read his novel a day that he bragged about so much. In the 70's it was cool to drink and my parents let me drink. In fact, before my senior prom they let me have a cocktail party at my house for all of my friends that were going to the prom with me. They served everyone alcohol and no one thought anything of it. We were all underage. I had been going to bars since I was 16 years old and no one ever asked me for my ID.

I was drinking so much that in the morning I'd wake up at someone's house that I didn't know. I didn't know where the car was at, I didn't know where my clothes were, I didn't know where I was. This was in my teenage years. My mother and father never wanted to know where I was when I didn't come home at night. They were too busy dealing with their own hangovers and their own problems. Many times I went to school or to work still drunk. When I was seventeen I was out of school because I had enough credits and I was working full time as a secretary. At lunch, me and one of my male co-workers would go to the bar and have two or three drinks on our lunch hour. I'd pass out at my desk because the bartender made my drinks so strong. Everyone would laugh at me trying to stay awake to answer the phones. If this was one of my kids now, I wouldn't think it was very funny.

I could go on forever listing the horrible things that have happened to me because I drank too much alcohol. I watched my son fall into the same pattern and he is at age 25 a bartender and lives in that bar culture spending all of his "off hours" with his bar friends, "drinking alcohol." He calls me on the phone in the middle of the night when he has had too much to drink and he's walking out in the night, when it's dangerous, but he can't drive because he's drunk and he talks nonsense to me and sometimes he even cries and tells me how messed up his life is. Alcohol isn't good. When I was drinking alcohol as a parent my kids saw me drunk. I didn't make the best decisions while I was drunk. I was drinking because I couldn't cope with the abuse I was receiving from my husband. He used drinking against me. He tried to make me look like an unfit mother although he was drinking the same if not more than I was. I just lost control before he did. I couldn't drink as much as he could.

If you have alcohol in your home and you have teenagers, it's just not a good thing. I've been living for almost fifteen years with no alcohol in my house. My teenagers have no desire to drink. They see other people's parents drinking and losing control and they get sick over it. They think it's stupid. Getting drunk is what their older brother does instead of coming to visit them. They hate alcohol. They wish that their older brother would save some of the money he spends drinking on his off time so that he could come and visit them since he can drive and they can't. So your children are watching you drink if you are a parent who drinks alcohol and they are watching your judgments that you make while drinking the older they get. They will do the same thing you are doing when they get older. This will cause some kind of problems. Maybe something will happen to them like what happened to me that day I went to the bar with my friends for a few drinks. Maybe they won't think as quickly as I did. Maybe they could get raped or very injured or even killed because they were at a bar drinking alcohol which clouded their judgment.

I'm not trying to be pompous and self righteous. I'm saying that if you are drinking alcohol regularly in your life you might want to look at yourself and become accountable for what you are instilling in your children and the situations you are possibly exposing yourself to because you drink alcohol. Think about it. Why do you need to drink anyway? I still have a glass of wine now and then a few times a year when I'm celebrating with family on the holidays. I never get drunk though. I can't get drunk because I've realized how I give up total control of myself when I'm drunk. Please think about your drinking if you drink. If someone you love drinks too much, try to talk to them about it.

Losing Children...

2009-09-05T10:29:00.003-04:00

Parents: Come Hither! There is nothing worse in life than losing a child to death; but keep in mind that there is also a form of death that takes place when two people part ways who have had children and one parent is separated from his or her children.

The parents are so busy fighting with each other do they ever see the pain of their child or children? Their entire world is collapsing around them and their little hearts that are so big with love for both of their parents is being torn in half. It took me a very long time to realize how painful this is for children because I was too busy with my own grief over being a parent separated from my children. I'm still grieving over it, but I've recognized the life long consequences that have come to affect my children, both adult children and my teenagers. The pain never stops and it continues throughout their lives affecting how they raise their own children when the time comes.

Those thinking of getting married: Come hither! You must begin to think in terms of what you will be like as a parent for your children before you get married. Can you stay married long enough to raise your children together? Can you put aside your petty differences and maintain a marriage full of love, kindness and joy for the sake of your children? Can you be a role model for marriage for your children to learn from? How do you treat each other? Your children will watch you and perpetuate your behavior as they grow up. If you fight before you get married all of the time - don't get married!!!! It will only get worse after marriage and if you carelessly have children with the continuing fighting going on you will damage your children beyond repair. Besides the pain you will bestow upon your children, one of you will be separated from the human being(s) you love the most in your life. Do you want to live with that pain?

Teenagers!!! Listen UP!!!!! Just because you want to have a baby doesn't mean you should have one. If you are missing love in your life you can bet that you don't love yourself yet. If you have a child before you learn how to love yourself - you can never love your child as that child needs to be loved. You can't give what you have never experienced. If your life at home is without love, don't have a child because the only thing you know is that unloving, painful and difficult life and you will re-live it in your adult life. If you don't realize this in time to make the needed changes then your children will be raised in that unloving state and they will learn how to raise their children the same way. Don't turn your stubborn heads and say, "Not me! I will love my baby!" You can't love a baby more than to wait until you're ready to have one instead of having one to solve a problem in your life. Why put that responsibility on a tiny baby. A baby will not make your life better. Think about the pain you will cause your child if you get pregnant as a teenager.

Parents who are so selfish and are having affairs in their marriage or who are living in an unhappy marriage: come hither! Shame on you! It's time for you to overlook your selfish indulgences and put all thoughts of self aside! You made the commitment to marry and you made a commitment to those children when you had them to take care of them to the best of your ability as a parent - get with it! Start thinking of your children first and the rest will fall into place. Start thinking how you want your children to see you when they close their eyes and think of their mommy or daddy. Do you want them to think of you running away with another woman or man and abandoning them? Did you know that abandonment issues are at the top of the list with the mental health issues people have today? Abandonment is a killer issue. Do you want your children to think so little of their own children someday that they can easily slide out of a marriage for their own selfish purposes?

I learned all of this too late. I was forced to send my two oldest daughters to live with their father when my second marriage failed and I couldn't support and take care of three children alone. I wanted more for them. I wanted them to be able to be children and have what they wanted and needed. I knew their father could give them those things. (Or so I thought.) It was a mistake to send them because as it ended up they didn't get what they needed or wanted from him and his wife. I let him carry the football when I already knew he and his wife weren't football players.

My oldest daughter fought for first place against the step mother with her father and she ended up getting kicked out of the house as a junior in high school. I have to take responsibility for that as well. I sent them there! If I had kept them with me and learned how to take care of three kids alone, I would have loved them and done the best I could have done myself and no child would have been kicked out of their home when still a child. My second oldest daughter ended up trying to commit suicide because she was stuck in the middle between parents, there was an alcohol problem with the step mother, she missed me because we were 2000 miles away from each other. She needed love but she wasn't getting it. They both experienced great pain in their lives and this pain is still happening with my oldest daughter. Now she's not talking to me and wants me to be totally out of her life. I don't quite understand her reasoning but I do understand part of it. It's easier to just shut someone out of your life than to have to deal with them and the possibility of getting hurt again and again.

My son, now 25 years old, there was a time that when I simply said his name or my mind would wander towards thoughts of him that I would begin to have a panic attack and then it would continue into such a severe panic attack that I would have to go to the emergency room. In one year, the first year we were separated, I was in the emergency room at least 325 times with the panic attacks so painful they were worse than childbirth. His step mother stole my husband boldly from me as she was almost my best friend and I didn't know what was going on between her and my husband. Then she boldly said, "I stole your husband and now I'm going to steal your son!" and they did through parental alienation. Now at 25, he hasn't finished his college, his step mother and father are getting a divorce and putting him in the middle of it, he is a bartender and spends his off time getting drunk and partying with his friends, I went two years without seeing him because he has to work to make ends meet. He has supported himself since high school because he doesn't want to answer to anyone. He has issues concerning healthy relationships that he may never resolve.

His father and step mother made him call her "mom" since the day he first went home with them. They made it almost impossible for me to see him. His father still rules his life because he discusses everything with his father. So far, no good advice that I've seen. It's so sad.

When you have a child and you can't live with that child - you will never be the same person again. It causes a wound that never seems to heal. It takes a great amount of self work to heal this wound. Remember this if you have children or are thinking of getting married or thinking of having a child. The pain is unbearable.

Past Pain

2009-09-04T10:27:00.005-04:00

Leaving your past behind is certainly a difficult thing, but it's worth every ounce of the pain and hurt I experienced in leaving my past behind. Instead of carrying it still with me, like an opened wound, I was able to let it heal over and look at the scar with the peaceful feeling of having resolved that pain and hurt. There was still one thing, an entire experience, involving two people that I was having trouble dealing with from my past, but due to the present situation with the two of them (I've mentioned it on another day, forgiving those who have wronged you in the past) maybe now I can resolve it and leave it behind me.

Giving you all a brief outline of my life doesn't put the pain and suffering out there for you to see clearly to understand why it's so hard to recovery from it all and to go forward in personal growth. Each of us has a past and it's up to us whether or not we live in the past or live in the present moment. My oldest daughter, Michelle, is very much living in her past. She chooses to shut out everyone in her family because she's carrying that pain in an open wound with her right now instead of letting all the wounds heal over so that she can leave them behind. If you're living in your past, please take some time to consider working on leaving your past behind you.

I mentioned in my last post that outlined my past that I left my third husband, having to run from domestic violence shelter to shelter because he kept chasing me and finding me. It was horrifying. What you don't read is that I had real feelings for that man. I loved him. I loved the part of him that was kind and understanding, loving and giving, but he was just too dysfunctional as an individual having suffered his own trials. What he was doing that wasn't acceptable was that he was abusing his perscription drugs that he was taking for an injury that he had incurred causing chronic pain. Then when his drugs were gone because he took too many of them he would drink alcohol to kill the pain. Then at times when he would have withdrawl symptoms from the medications he would sign for codene cough syrup at the pharmacy and take that to stop the withdrawl symptoms.

Throughout the time which was 3/4 of the time that he was over-medicated or drunk or suffering withdrawl symptoms he wasn't a reasonable person. He was totally irrational. He did things that didn't make sense to normal people. He didn't use sound judgment in taking care of our child. He put me and our child in danger at times through his irrational actions and thinking. Then when I wouldn't allow him to do the dangerous things he wanted to do, he would get very angry with me and there would be a fight. He would get very abusive and yell and swear and get crazy. His eyes would glaze over and you would never know what was going to happen.

I was so hurt and needy for love I wanted the love he had to share with me the 1/4 of the time because I was so wounded. Being around a person who behaves like this is very hurtful. If you know someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, then you know about it. But I dearly loved the man who was loving in him. It tore me apart to have to separate the two and take precautions against being hurt and my children being hurt. I left him and went to the domestic violence shelter for protection. It was so horrible there. Shelters aren't as wonderful as people believe they are. There are a group of dysfunctional women and children in one spot trying to live in the same space and it really does cause friction, problems and more dysfunction.

When I got pregnant the second time, we were together because I had been going to a Baptist church and the preacher there told me that I wasn't walking with God because I wasn't trying to make my marriage work with my abusive husband. He was convinced that if we had pastoral counseling that we could make our marriage work. I had a very personal and close relationship with the Lord. I wanted to do right so I invited my husband to come to the town that I was in and the church let us live together in a small parsonage that they had until we could get settled in our own place. I prayed diligently for our marriage to work and I really wanted to have another child to be a sibling for my son who was 8 years younger than my youngest child from my previous marriage and 12 & 14 years younger than my oldest two children. I prayed to the Lord to give me a little girl to be his sister and playmate. I got pregnant immediately. The situation didn't work out and one day my husband had been riding around drunk with our young toddler son in the car. I just couldn't accept this and we ended up having a very destructive fight. He broke down the door to the house and broke some other things. I broke some things that were his and he was trying to hurt me. He shoved the stove right into my pregnant belly. Later on he fell on me while he was carrying the television set out of the house. There was glass everywhere. I was frightened for my life and began having contractions. I put my son in the stroller and walked the half of a block to the convenience store and they called the police for me. I was losing my baby. The contractions were coming harder and harder. I was only 5 months pregnant.

I was in the hospital and the police took my toddler son to the pastor's house for his family to take care of him while I was in the hospital. I went back to the shelter instead of going home. Again I had to leave a home with my personal effects in it behind to go to a shelter for safety. I didn't lose the baby, but I had to be very careful and rest. They transferred me out of the city to where I had originally come from. I went to that shelter for the third time. They helped me to get into a transitional housing program. I was seeing a counselor there and trying to pick up the pieces of my life when my husband began stalking me again. The shelter made arrangements for me to be transferred out of state to a city where I knew no one. I would have to start my life over again incognito.

When I arrived at the new city I was two days from my due date. When I first arrived there the shelter was full so they took me to a different city. It was there that I sat at the dining room table and read about OJ Simpson's wife being killed and her friend as well. It was the eeriest feeling knowing that it could have been me written up in the paper, killed, because of an abusive husband. I finally got to the shelter in Dayton, Ohio where I moved to and it was horrendous. The condition of the place was just horrific. I labeled the place, "the pits of hell." I went into labor on my due date two days later. There were no doctors at the hospital that wanted to deliver my baby because they had never seen me before. Although I had my records I had been a high risk pregnancy throughout. They were horrible to me, yelling at me, calling me stupid for thinking a doctor would deliver my baby, and they made my labor very difficult for me. They sent me back to the shelter although I was four centimeters dilated with my fifth child. I told them that I had one hour labors with my last two children. They didn't care. As soon as I returned to the shelter I felt the urge to push. They had to call the paramedics because the taxi refused to take me back to the hospital.

As soon as I arrived at the hospital my water broke and I felt the baby coming. They gave me a shot for the pain and put me in a room. Although it was time to push, I couldn't. I just laid in the bed crying because I was alone and I wanted my husband to be with me, the loving husband that I knew he could be part of the time. I didn't want to be alone delivering our baby. I was so mad and so hurt. I just cried hysterically until the doctors shut my light out and told me that when I wanted to cooperate to ring my nurse call bell. I cried for a few hours. I sobbed and yelled out to the Lord that it wasn't supposed to be like this. Finally I could no longer put off the pushing and the pain shot wore off. I rang the nurse call and they came back to my room and I pushed out a precious little girl. I had no idea what to name her.

I had brought my bible with me to the hospital and I read through it. I looked at my daughter and looked through the bible and finally I decided upon the name, "Rachel." She looks like a Rachel too. I had to take this precious little girl back to the shelter room with me. It was a barren 8 x 10 room with a bunkbed in it only. Someone had donated a portacrib and a double stroller for me and some baby clothes. All we had with us were the clothes on our backs and my bible. Eventually things worked out but it was such a painful experience that it took a very long time to heal from it.

Trauma can affect you in ways that you never dreamed of. Imagine living like this and knowing that you owned absolutely nothing and your older children were away from you and you had a toddler and a newborn to bring into a new life experience. I did it, but I didn't realize how much I would have to work on personally to be able to heal from these experiences. The Lord was by me every step of the way and I had to trust in him. I had no other recourse.

What I've Escaped From

2009-09-03T14:38:00.003-04:00

I want to take a few minutes to thank those of you who have been faithfully reading my blog as well as you first time visitors. Just reading about someones' daily life might seem tedious at times and what makes me so special - that I would expect anyone would want to read about what I'm experiencing every day. I have revealed that I have been diagnosed with PTSD and depression, both mental illnesses. The likelihood that I will recover totally from either of those illnesses isn't very great. So far there are no cures. There are treatments, but mental illness is so far behind other medical illnesses because mental illness was feared for so long, not many dared research it.

I may have mentioned a few times that there was a time that I lived in domestic violence. I'm sure that I may have mentioned that domestic violence has been in my life experience since I was a small child. There was a generational situation with domestic violence being experienced at least by my grandparents on both sides during their childhoods and years growing up into their adult lives. This carried on to my parents' generation and then mine. While my brother and sister may have known of certain incidents of domestic violence between my parents and maybe between my aunts, uncles and our cousins; being the oldest I was exposed to it much more often than they were. My brother was home when my father beat my mother to within an inch of her life once. He has never talked about it to me.

I was experiencing mental illness throughout much of my life and never realized what it was. I was also affected through an eating disorder, night eating syndrome, seeking to binge eat uncontrollably at night and I never slept well since early childhood. This eating/sleeping disorder combined my need to self soothe when my parents refused to bond with me and take on that responsibility. In their generation, soothing a child was a platform of weakness on the parents' part. If they were to allow a child to depend upon the parent for soothing then how would the child learn to take care of his or her self? Much of what our parents believed to be good parenting practices was far from what a normal child would need to develop in a healthy manner; especially mentally.

I experienced several traumas in early to mid childhood which were never resolved in my mind. The reason for these traumas never being resolved, again, was the beliefs that my parents held on parenting. We never talked about things that had happened no matter how traumatic they were. If we had fears or were angry or didn't understand what was going on, we had to contain those emotions and feelings within us and not ask questions or act out - reacting upon the emotions or feelings we experienced. This thwarted our emotional and mental growth.

When I was a teenager, my mother was diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia and she never told us about it. At the time she contracted it, the late 1960's to early 1970's there was no set treatment for the disease especially for someone as young as my mother. This disease caused her excruciating pain in her face. A simple breeze touching her face would set off an intense and extreme amount of pain. Brushing her teeth, eating, talking, everything that involved using the muscles of her face that revolved around the main nerve of the face caused her unbearable pain. She turned to drinking alcohol. We had no idea what was wrong with her except that she might be an alcoholic.

My father was busy traveling all around the world as a main project engineer for Raytheon in New England. He had already been a fear factor in our lives when he was in the military while I was a young child. I never knew what to think of him when he showed up at home. He had been absent for most of my early childhood and when he appeared he was overly strict and distant. So when I was a teenager I was led to believe that through the lack of communication with me that my parents didn't care about me and that they never really loved me. I was devastated.

Growing up in the seventies was difficult enough, so I followed the path of my peers and became a flower child and sought out drinking and drugs and sex for fun. Life was free and it was meant to be enjoyed and shared. I was very intelligent, but I chose to just take it easy with my studies early on in high school. I had a boyfriend for almost four years that was three years older than I was. I ended up pregnant while roe vs. wade was still in the courts and suffered at the hands of some very horrendous conditions being forced into an abortion by my mother who swore daily out loud to me that she would not allow me to ruin my life by having a child. This caused me to believe further that she never loved me, that I had been a hindrance in her life and that my parents never really cared about me. While my abortion took place in the next state over because it was still illegal in the state I lived in and in a very prestigious Mass General Hospital, the doctors and nurses were so against having to perform abortions. They berated me and humiliated me, and intimidated me throughout the procedure. My mother never explained to me what would happen, just as she never explained my period to me or told me anything about birth control and sex. I had been so naive.

To the rest of the world I appeared to be a very intelligent, social, well mannered and beautiful child. We appeared to be the most normal of all professional families. We went to church every Sunday since I could remember. I played the piano and was in the high school band. I participated in youth fellowship with church, was a Sunday School teacher at 16 years old and I babysat kids constantly. In my junior and senior years of school, I decided to try to get good grades and I ended up leaving school 6 months early although I graduated with my class. I had a full time job in a car dealership as a secretary. I got engaged when I was 17 years old and went cross country with my boyfriend and another friend to see what the country looked like from one end to the other.

Then just when I thought I'd go to college and move out of the house, my father told me that I couldn't go to college. Although my fiance had broken up with me in a horrible way causing me yet another trauma to deal with, my father told me to go out and find a man and get married because that's what women were born to do. He wanted me to get married, get pregnant and have children and be a wife.

In anger I did just what he said. I met a guy from Florida and I married him only knowing him for a few months. It was a disaster. Although we stayed married for eight years and had two daughters, I was never happy with my husband. He was abusive with me. I divorced him. I was then helpless though. I had never had to take care of myself. I had never worked throughout my entire marriage except for a few part time jobs. Mostly I took care of the kids and the house and my husband and that was what I was about. When I had to take care of working, bills, children, the house and all of the other responsibilities alone - I ended up in a meltdown.

I ended up marrying the first guy that came along. He was a cop. He was more abusive with me and in the end after having one child with him; I found out that he never loved me from the beginning. My diamond ring was even a fake. He married a woman who had been a very close friend to me. I came home early one day and found them in my bed together. The fought me for custody of my son. I had another eight year marriage go bad but this time it ended even worse than the first time. I really did have a breakdown. I ended up relinquishing custody of my son because I had no more fight left in me. They broke me down day after day for almost 2 years.

In the meantime I had met another man. He was the ultimate monster. I just didn't know it because I really didn't know anything anymore. I was a psychological wreck. We only lived together a few months at two different times, we had two children together, but in the end he tried to kill me. For almost two years I had to run for my life from one domestic violence shelter to another.

I ran from him when I was nine months pregnant. I moved to a new state and a new city and had my daughter, my last child two days after arriving. I had to rebuild my life. Eventually he found me and he decided to come to where I was to kill me. He was picked up by the police for drunk driving though and was incarcerated. We divorced and I met my present husband. We've been married for 13 years.

This synopsis was brief and didn't include many of the very difficult situations and traumas I ended up putting myself into. I had a religious experience that I believed to be a fundamental baptist religion that ended up being a cult. I had to send my two girls to live with their father and I had difficulty communicating with them. In one year I experienced about 325 anxiety or panic attacks that required treatment in the emergency room. The list is very long.

Seven years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I finally learned through a doctor in Pennsylvania, a Dr. Stunkard, that the eating/sleeping disorder I had was night eating syndrome. I began to get treatment and much needed counseling. I've studied intensely concerning the effects of mental illness, abuse in your life, traumatic experiences and the type of parenting I received as a child and I now understand how my life has progressed in such tragic proportions. It's my job to become accountable for myself and for my past mistakes and learn how to live normally.

That's why I believe that living with post traumatic stress disorder, depression, an eating/sleeping disorder and the past I have yet to resolve the emotions and feelings I experienced during those tragic times. It's daily life which is tough enough without having experienced all of these experiences I've mentioned that I am trying to live switching over from completely dysfunctional to normal and highly functional.

I do want to say that I thank the Lord for my recovery over the past seven years. It's been his grace and wisdom that I have relied upon. I still pray and ask the Lord which direction to go in my life. I couldn't have survived without Him.

Abusive Relationships

2009-09-02T11:09:00.003-04:00

I wrote last night about my own personal relationship, but I didn't write much about how it makes me feel to live my life without sex, without a spouse who is a lover instead of a friend, and how dealing with a narcissistic person is everyday. I wanted to write more about my feelings with this because my own teenage daughter, just like her two older sisters and one of her step sisters before her has found herself in an abusive relationship and I can't get her out of it no matter how hard I try.

I remember telling my oldest daughter that I thought she was in an abusive relationship and she rejected me. The same thing went with my second oldest daughter. Both of the older girls were in the last years of high school when this happened and my teenager daughter now is just a freshman. I hate that she's in this relationship because it is wasting precious time for her now that she can't get back. She is so ambivalent in her feelings. Since she went to counseling, her counselor told her about abusive relationships and gave her some material to read about it. She is aware of abuse because she has never met her real father because he was so abusive. I left him when I was pregnant with her and moved to a new place - a new state and city all alone with my toddler son, her older brother, nine months pregnant due to have the baby two days after my arrival to the domestic violence shelter here in Dayton.

She knows her birth story. She knows a life long empty space of not knowing the other half of who she is. Abuse is sad. It's terribly sad in the long run and it's terribly sad while it's happening. I can see it in her as she wants to be friendly and talk and flirt with other boys, but her boyfriend won't let her talk to any other boys. They go to different schools this year and have been together almost one year. I hate that she's wasting her precious young years not being able to learn how to socialize (she's a very social girl) with the opposite sex. This makes her days in school very boring and sad and she ends up calling me at home on her cellphone to ask if she can come home from school because everyone thinks she's weird that she won't talk to any boys.

That hurts her that people think she's weird. She had made friends with this one boy who sits alone at lunch but the other day he told her she was weird and got right up and moved away from her. She's a beautiful girl. She has unique eyes and a big beautiful smile. Now the abusive boyfriend searches through her cellphone to see if she has any guy numbers or conversations from texting boys stored in there. These abusive traits make me crazy. I like the boy and I know he's had a very hard life because his mother is an addict, his parents divorced and he has raised his half sister by himself, even selling drugs to buy food for them to eat when his mother spends all the money on her drugs and drinking. Right now they take cold showers because she can't get the gas turned on to heat the water because she owes the gas company too much money, but she drinks and has her drugs.

I just don't want my daughter to be his girlfriend.

It makes her very sad being his girlfriend.

Fifteen year olds are moody and sad enough about life. They don't need abusive people telling them what they can do and what they can't do. My own husband does this to me. Yesterday I was going to get my license renewed because it was due to be renewed in July on my birthday, but I hadn't done it yet. So I told my husband and he yelled at me like I was a child and he was my father. I had to remind him that he's not my father and I know I should have done it in July, but I was doing it on September first and I didn't need someone yelling at me like I was a child. He doesn't get it.

Then I took the kids shopping and my son's sneakers cost $60 some dollars and he told my husband how much they cost when he asked him and being honest doesn't pay with that guy. He was so mad at me, but he wouldn't dare tell me how mad he was. I felt bad for my son because he knows the rules. We can't tell him what anything costs because he gets so pissed off. He just hates that I spend any amount of money on anyone but him. If I spend it on him - it's okay. This makes me very angry. I feel like he's so selfish. He's the one who wanted to marry me with five kids. He's the one who wanted to assume the responsibility knowing that I never got any child support. When I finally did get child support I spent that money on our bills and on him just like I spent it on the kids. He doesn't remember that. He is usually only thinking of himself.

The kids and I had a glorious time though last night. We went out to eat and enjoyed each others' company before we went shopping. It was fun. We got to interact nicely with each other my son, my daughter and I without any negative influences around to squash any fun. We were each our own authentic selves and we enjoyed being relaxed and able to have fun. This is something that abusiveness in relationships does. It squashes any fun or laughter that life has to hold for us. No one feels like laughing around someone who is always angry or negative.

If you ask my husband a question - his answer will be negative right away. He always assumes that the glass is half empty instead of half full. He will tell you something negative about someone before he says something positive. Most everything that comes out of his mouth is negative. I'm taking him to NYC with me soon and he was negative and remains negative about the trip. The only reason I wanted him to come with me is that he is 63 years old almost and hasn't been to NYC. I thought that it was sad for someone that age to have never seen the Statue of Liberty. So he's coming with me and after it's all over he'll speak more positively about it. Right now he'll try to ruin my good feelings about going. I'm going to pass my test on the audition to be on the Millionaire Show and I'm going to see my daughter if it's the last thing I do.

Today's picture... I give all of this to God to figure out. He's my hero. He has answered my prayers and stayed beside me through the hardest times of my life. He loves me. I know I can count on him 100%. I feel like I would like to live alone after the kids leave home and have my own place that is peaceful and light and happy, but I will stay with my husband and take care of him when he's sick and dying because he won't stop smoking cigarettes and will most likely have COPD and emphazema like his brother who took two whole years to die from those things. God will take care of me though, I know he will.

Night Time Perspective

2009-09-01T21:17:00.004-04:00

I usually write in the daytime. My husband has acquired an addiction for Mah Jongg and he won't get off the computer for me to do my usual routine lately. It's infuriating to me. I'm an early morning and late night person, which in the past has left me with very little sleep. My sleep habits have changed recently and I've gotten some good sleep lately. It's really nice. I'm enjoying sleeping. But when I look at this picture of the boat in the boat house with just a small light on, it describes my night time mood. It's warm and cozy and homey, the light that comes on within me at night. While I do love being alone when I'm feeling like this, I like being with someone I love as well. It's just not my husband who is the one I like being with. He and I have come to an understanding. We're friends not lovers. We get along fine as long as sex isn't in the relationship. He has his weird quirky likes and dislikes about sex and I just want to be loved when it comes to sex. I'm tired of quirks and fantasies and role plays - I just want my sex to be full of love. We don't have that kind of sex and never did. In fact, it was because of our sex life that much of the distance that once grew between us happened. He has some strange ideas about sex. I'm just about being loved and loving and we just didn't match up.

He hurt my self esteem, although I allowed it to happen by not stopping him from talking during sex, but he always talked about his fantasy red head women and he didn't have a connection with me. I don't know if you ever had sexual problems in your love relationship or marriage, but it's a shame when you don't connect. It's very hard to be someone you're not and to hear it over and over how your loved one likes some other kind of woman is horrendous. It cuts you to the core. I used to cry softly after sex and try to forget what he said to me.

Finally I just refused to have sex with him. Now he just can't do it anymore because of his medication he takes for his heart. He's too afraid or self conscious to ask the doctor about Viagra so he just can't do it. I love myself too much to let someone be demeaning to me. Enough is enough. I can have fun once in awhile just like anyone, but to hear the same thing every time you have sex until you feel nausea... I refused to let it happen anymore.

My husband, who I never really talk about is a narcissist. It's very hard being married to a narcissist. He likes things HIS way. He has a huge ego. While I tried to marry someone who wasn't abusive like my ex husbands; I didn't know about narcissists. They can be very abusive but they have their own way about them. I've gotten a handle on him so far though. I've read so much about narcissists and realized that my parents were very narcissitic. This marriage is going to be my last one though. Whatever happens from now on, is between two friends - we have made the agreement to that.

So when I think of my authentic self and what I love about the night time, the stillness like this picture and the boat in its home, with the soft light on - that's me. I'm more about conversations that are partly serious and partly humorous between two people. I like to touch people, massage and rub and just feel comfortable. I like to laugh and joke and look into eyes and perceive feelings and emotions.

I need to feel loved. I don't feel that often in a husband/wife way with my husband. I feel loved in a friendship way. He has taken care of me when I was injured and sick and been faithful to me and accepted some of the hairbrain things I've done because of my PTSD. He doesn't laugh at me when I'm triggered by something and I get hypervigilent, he now understands after thirteen years of marriage. He still doesn't understand the full scope of PTSD but he knows finally that I struggle with it.

So this is a night time writing and it's more personal, direct and intimate. It tells you just a little bit more about who I am; who my authentic self is. I am happy to say that I love the person I really am. It's very hard to make the switch to that person from being a person that everyone else likes and wants me to be like - to the person I really am who has been lost for a very long time. She's starting to show herself more often. I'm happy about that.

Okay so I talk a good game!

2009-08-31T10:54:00.004-04:00

So I haven't done so well since yesterday. I still have a positive attitude though and I still believe the same thing, I just haven't conformed yet. Believing the truth will set me free I am not going to pretend I'm adhering to the standards I wish to conform to. I will admit failure.

Instead of having egg of my face, I'd rather have zebra! The psychologist asked me why I hadn't succeeded with my goals as of yet and I said to him, "Because when I fail, I give up the fight."

I guess Einsteing, Ben Franklin and othe great inventors had thousands of failures, but they never gave up so they finally succeeded. I'm not giving up either. Yesterday is now the past and I can't do anything about the past, I can only look at today and control what happens in my present moment. I'm not angry, or disappointed, I'm just learning from yesterday's lack of vigilence. I believe I need to reinforce my goals, my wants and needs and then keep on the straight and narrow path.

Still nothing from my daughter. I send another e-mail asking in the subject line, "Are you enjoying ignoring me?" It's hurtful and that's what she wants. She's sure stubborn. I don't know where she could have gotten that from.

Fall is upon us. I just opened my window and it's only 63 degrees out midday. That's glorious to me! I love the fall, with the bright blue sky and the leaves turning their bright and bold colors of orange, yellow and red. I do love it. Apples! It's time for the apples to be picked! A trip to the apple farm will have to happen soon because apples are good for you always. Eat as many of them that you want! An apple a day keeps the doctor away! I love going to the apple farm. This year though, I'll leave the apple doughnuts at the farm.

Football! It's back - fall has football and cheerleaders and crisp cold air - I just love it. I love turtlenecks and sweaters and jackets and fall leather shoes. I love the browns and the blacks, the burnt oranges and the reds they make fall clothes from. I love the wool skirts and the fight between Ohio State and Michigan. There is nothing like a hike in the woods in the fall or a picnic in the forest. The fall smells so good. The leaves have their own scent as they fall and dampen on the ground. Halloween is upon us as well. I just love the fall.

But just as I love the fall, I love the spring with it's more numerous to count colors of green. Everything growing around me. I can't grow plants in my house, but I love seeing the buds on the trees and everything growing in nature.

Then summer and winter. I love them all for different reasons. When I lived in Florida for 13 years, I cried because I missed the seasons. I loved the ocean, don't get me wrong. The ocean is my absolute favorite and I took advantage of being there, always going to the beach, bringing my babies there and introducing them to the peace and tranquility of the water. I'd nurse them while I stood in the water, facing out to the open ocean, waist deep in water so they'd float as they nursed. But I wanted to be back in the north with the seasons. I was raised with them and I missed them so much.

I'm not trying to evade the first topic of the day. I just opened my window to see what the temperature was outside and it got me side tracked. It's wonderful out. The kids are at school and the grandkids are visiting today. Their daddy is at a golf tournament. Toys are everywhere in my living room. I was dreaming of babysitting two little asian girls. They were beautiful, but the house I was living in was the house I grew up in which has been torn down now. It was in New Hampshire. Something is missing in my life now because the house I spent the most time in growing up isn't there anymore. It doesn't even look like the same lot. They cut down all the pine trees. Why would someone do that?

Back to the original topic. I think that today to reinforce the importance of self talk in self help I will write an article about it. I must be ever vigilent about my eating habits in changing them. I must continue to think out each choice, every decision I make so that in the end I win the prize! This is what I am striving for. The princess knows she will marry her prince because she had been born with those words on her lips and in her heart and in her mind. She says them over and over again until it happens. She isn't worried or surprised, she just knows it will happen.

I'll think about the words I choose even after the article is written so that I keep the meaning close to me. I will win! I will fight a good fight! I will meet my goals. I have faith that the Lord will stand by me and help me when I am weak.

Minute by minute making choices

2009-08-30T12:28:00.003-04:00

Every second of my day I have to make a choice. It's like this for everyone, I'm not different or unusual. I may have more obstacles to overcome in being successful when determining my path. What's the most important part of my day? Keeping my mind clear so I can always see the goals I'm attempting to achieve. Because I have multiple goals I must think even more clearly - with every step I take in my day staying aware and mindful - because if I don't cherish my goals I'll lose them in the fight of trying to win.

Conversations with my self abound and I must take the time to voice my concerns, my reasons for wanting to win, my reasons for my goals so they must be written in stone so that I can call on them easily. It's a tough fight every day. Day three of this very important journey and I'm not winning every fight. It's when I don't win that I must speak to myself again, encourage myself, be my own support system because Lord knows, I have only my maker and no one else to support me.

It's a game almost. I talk to myself and ask myself, "What is it that you want to gain or achieve?" and I have to think about it and answer myself, "I want to gain strength, I want to be the strongest I have ever been before in my life. I want to be a leader. I want physical and mental optimal health. I want to be in total self control."

I've talked about educating ones self until you can understand what it is you must do and then taking action to arrive at change being made. It's been my theme throughout the time I've had my network of websites. I discovered this theme early on but it's not that simple or easy to follow in all ways. I must still love myself and value myself. A friend put this quote on my facebook today of all days...

Without self promotion, one will never learn to value ones self. How can one find the value of others, if you cannot value yourself?

How did he know I needed to hear that? He's struggling too. He is on a personal growth journey of recovery as well, even if he doesn't realize it - he is. He is very good at expressing himself through writing. I'm learning more about writing and enjoying it very much. If I could only write nearly as well as he does it will be an accomplisment for me.

But the most important point I want to make is that gaining self mastery over ones self is like quitting cigarettes. You always want one, but you can't light the match, you can't even pick up the cigarette. You must throw them all away to quit cold turkey and you must stay vigilent because your mind will try to talk you into smoking just "ONE" just smoke one and then start to quit again... it will be okay. No one is completely successful at quitting. Sometimes cold turkey isn't possible for everyone. Baloney! Cold turkey is possible for everyone. You just have to want to win against nicotine.

You have to ask yourself the question - "What do you really want to accomplish here?" If you're hungry what do you ask yourself? "Am I really hungry? When did I eat last? What will I eat? Will I eat something that is going to promote good health? Will I eat something that is good for my body?" Then you have to talk yourself through the choices you are making when you open the refrigerator. There is no reasoning concerning eating poor choices because you want to win! This is self help. This is what you must do to help yourself win and become stronger. Then when you win you must revel in it. You must thank yourself for making good choices and you must say to yourself, "Good job! You are becoming stronger!"

If you ever watch Tiger Woods playing golf, (which you might think golf is boring, but try this sometime) you will notice that he carries himself like a professional. He carries himself like a winner. His body is in good shape and his mind must stay vigilent upon the goal of winning. He stays to himself and concentrates and doesn't let outside influences interfere with his goal of winning the game. He is a champion. He must tell himself throughout the game that he is the best and he can do what he is setting out to do. Once he lets his mind wander the goal may get lost. He may hit some poor shots off the fairway and into the trees or the rough. Then he must get himself out of the trouble he is in if he just let his mind wander for a few seconds. He must conger up those powers of concentration as he gets himself back on the road of a winner.

If you don't like golf, find someone that you admire who has accomplished great things. Study that person and see what you can do to follow in the winner's footsteps! This is my challenge. It is a challenge I must meet every second of my day and not tire of it. I want to be a winner and accomplish great things. I don't want to spend my time lamenting that I can never do what I want or that I am overwhelmed with the task. I am strong enough, I can gain more strength, I can beat the odds that self helpers face and win my game!

I had some time alone last night. Teenagers gone, husband fishing, and I had to think about what I was doing because I had neglected to think every second. I wasn't remembering that I want to be strong and healthy. I was just reacting and moving about without any thoughts at all. Why would I jeopardize winning? It's just because that is how I have been for too long. It's difficult to change habits. This is why the conversations with myself will be many and close together. I will win. I will have difficulties but I will come out on top. I am worth the battle. I love myself enough to do it. I have found out how important I am to the world. I can make changes in it.

I just figured out that 25,000 people a month are coming to my network of sites from around the world, not just in the US. That means that I have won the battle already because I remember starting out and only accomplishing a few hundred visitors per month. I remember having only one website and now there are almost thirty-five. I'm thrilled that I can make a simple change in someone's live every month, never mind the 25,000 visitors that are coming to my network. And I have a very large number of people who return! That is especially important to me because there is so much information here and I add info constantly to the network. I'm very happy to say I am accomplishing something good. Now I must help myself as much as I help others.

My motto of helping others while helping myself must stay forefront in my thoughts. I hope that if you are in a fight for accomplishing something that you will stay with me as I write my thoughts out for you to compare yours to. If you have any comments, questions or suggestions, I'm so happy to receive them! You can always email me instead of commenting here at: emotionalfeelings101@hotmail.com ! Have a happy Sunday!

Day One... Figuring out the new puzzle

2009-08-28T13:55:00.004-04:00

I've been busting my ass since I got out of bed, cleaning and laundry. Washing dishes, sweeping floors, picking up others' dirty clothes, washing my sheets, you name it; dusting cleaning windows and so on. My husband just told me that he bought mega-lotto tickets last night, 10$ worth and he can't find the tickets. He then says that he threw away everything in his pockets at work last night - he's getting Alzheimer's. He just found them in his wallet though.

Stress....not good. I'm sweating - that's good. Releases stress - exercise does. Cleaning this house is pure exercise believe me. No one cleans up after themselves. I found out that my husband is sabotaging me with my losing weight quest. He just bought me Wendy's for lunch. French fries and all... I have to end it. So tonight I'll have a talk with him. I've got to get this straight.

That was yesterday's post unfinished because we got the grandkids and they are quite a handful! It's been fun, but they're leaving soon and then it will be just me and my better half! The teens have been quiet this weekend so far. After the first week of school, my son is happy to be in a "real school." I've seen his notes, his homework and a positive attitude as well as his artwork for art class. (a tree frog) My daughter is happy/sad and that description is literal. One second she's happy and the next she's sad. Yesterday she had her first experience with a senior boy so let's see what she chooses. The almost one year boyfriend her age or the senior. She told me I can't blog about it so that's all I'm going to say.

She did however establish herself in gym class as the queen of dodgeball. She single-handedly won after all of her teammates got "out" she removed the rest of the other team all by herself. Her brother was on the other team and he has even admitted that his sister is "awesome" at dodgeball.

In her last school she is considered an "urban legend."

The house was clean until the grandkids got here and now when they leave I'm going to get back into motion. If I stay "in motion" I may burn some calories which is what I need to do. Right now we're watching "A Bug's Life" and I'm trying to find some sort of lesson for me to take in so the time isn't all for naught.

I told my husband about going to NYC and how I got the tickets for Millionaire and how I am going to audition to be on the show. He didn't even sound one iota excited. He just sat there actually and didn't react at all. Sometimes I wonder how I married him. I just don't understand his thinking. Still no word from my daughter and it's frustrating.

Well it's too hard to write with a one and three with us so that's it for today. Sorry but when the grandkids call, it's time to commit my total attention to them! Talk to you tomorrow!

I've been blackmailed in real life...

2009-08-27T19:40:00.003-04:00

What can I say? I've been blackmailed in real life and I now have to make up my mind as to how I want to deal with it. I sat quietly and listened to the son of a bitch psychologist blackmail me and I didn't stand up and protest. I need this psychologist to send my insurance people a report and he says to me, "Your insurance company is depending upon me to tell them whether or not to cover you. It's been some time since you were in counseling. I think you need go start seeing me so that I can send your insurance company a report that says that you need this treatment and it would be acceptable for them to cover you. Don't you want that?"

Immediately it pops into my mind that he's blackmailing me. Now my entire character is on the line. Will I just let him do it although I think he's a hateful man? Will I let him make victims out of others who aren't strong enough to stand up and say - no! you will not blackmail me!? This is bothering me enough to make me have second thoughts about using this doctor I'm about to see.

Actually, I think I need to write him a letter and then send a copy of it to the doctor and to the insurance company. This is a prime example of how even the professional community victimizes people with mental illness. So I told this guy I have PTSD and depression issues, but that I have gotten a handle on them and he tries this little blackmail thing on me to see just how strong I am. I would hate to think he's doing this to others.

I am going to do it. I'm going to write the letter. It really pisses me off when professional people treat people with mental illness badly. I would really like to see this guy go down for it. Why would the doctor want to be associated with a guy that does this to people who are already struggling with their lives?

I'm so happy that I'm sleeping better and in my bed. It's awesome. Today Fred and I were adult juvenile delinquents sleeping until noon when we were supposed to be babysitting the grandkids at noon. We almost made mommy late for work!

This sleeping has made me feel stronger mentally, although tenative still about certain things. I don't want to be overly sensitive when things like this blackmail thing happen. I want to be stronger and I believe with that feeling of strength I will be able to do more with myself. I used to have so much energy and power. I want that for myself again.

I feel that if I just let myself be stronger and not get fearful of failure then I can do everything I've always wanted to do. Let's see how it goes everyday. Stay with me and help me when things get tough. I'm really interested in hearing what my readers think about this blackmail by a psychologist. He charged my insurance company $425.00 for my session and I think that he shouldn't get one more dime from them or any other insurance company either if he's going to practice like that.

He needs to get a list of psychologists and hand it to you if he thinks you need further treatment. I can't trust him with my worst enemy never mind my own mental health. I need some back bone, so I'm going to write the letter.

I recently discovered that I can see what parts of the world are reading my blog! That's some interesting information and I'm thrilled to see so many different parts of the world visiting! Thanks for reading and I hope you stay with me as I make some major changes in my life. Maybe you're trying to make the same changes and you can feel like you have a friend making changes with you. I'd love to see some comments! So far I haven't posted the few comments I've received because I felt they were personal comments that someone might not want put out there in the open.

If you do make a comment and you don't want it posted with the blog, just say so and I'll make reference to your post without using any names or personal information and I won't post it. I'll just comment back in my next blog without letting a soul know anything about you! If you don't mind having your comment posted, tell me! I'd love to know for sure that you don't mind seeing your comments posted!

I'm so easy to get along with. I'm feeling the edge of real happiness. I feel like I'm getting a grip on myself. It's very exciting!

Some personal thoughts and feelings concerning the death of Ted Kennedy

2009-08-26T08:16:00.003-04:00

Wow... it is with a huge sigh that I hear that news that Ted Kennedy has passed. I, being raised in New England for the most important years of growing up, remember his days of drinking and carousing. I remember ChappaquidicK and I never thought much of him after that. Mary Jo Kopechne, the poor young girl that drowned in that car - no matter how many bills Senator Kennedy wrote and got passed in the Senate; I could never forget her and I never felt he paid for that. After all, he was a Kennedy.

Anyone who lives or lived in New England understands the link with the Kennedy family. Probably more so in past years. That family has always affected me though, even before moving to New England because when President Kennedy was assasinated it was a trauma in all of our lives - anyone who lived through that time. Caroline Kennedy, President Kennedy's daughter was my age exactly - we were born on the same day, same year - and I remember watching her on the television with her little brother who was my brother's age at the funeral. I was staying with my Grandmother that day because there was no school on the day of his funeral.

There was a picture of President Kennedy on a cupboard door in the basement of my house in Syracuse, New York when we moved there and no one ever moved it. That cupboard door would never shut and the picture would be revealed when that door opened. I believed it was his spirit that kept that door opened and when you descended into the basement it was the first thing you saw. It scared me.

When I turned nineteen years old I was living in Palm Beach, Florida and had just been married in November the year before. I was celebrating with some friends at a bar, which was Peterdinkel's and is now Chuck and Harold's. It was very late, the bars stay open until 4 or 5 a.m. on that July 6th when a bunch of people wandered into the back patio area where there was a baby grand piano and someone began playing the piano. Suddenly someone began to sing, it was Lily Pullitzer. The group at the next table looked familiar, that's because it was Caroline Kennedy and her friends.

When Lily began singing happy birthday, I had to walk over to the table and raise my glass to Caroline in a toast because it was both of our birthdays. I had always admired her. It was just the way it was back then - feeling like being an American meant you were linked to the Kennedy family - especially after living in New England.

Anyway... I've always felt something stir within me, I'm not sure what emotions or feelings they are, when a Kennedy dies. It's like their family had a curse upon it. It's the only family I have ever known of that I could say that about. Think about that... a "curse" ... how could one family have so much heartache and death without there being a curse? It's so unsettling. And now, with Ted Kennedy's death, yes he died at 77 as an old man, I believe somehow that he was cursed as well, with his brain cancer and certainly after his mother living into her 90's I believe - Rose; I spoke to her one day when I was walking my first baby girl in Palm Beach and she was coming out of her church from morning mass with all of her bodyguards.

She was this tiny little woman, all dressed in black with a black hat too, and she looked at my daughter in the stroller and said to me, "What a beautiful little girl you are blessed to have!" and I agreed with her. She seemed so alone, that tiny little woman with those huge hulks of bodyguards all around her. She walked across the street into the bank parking lot where her limo was parked. Her tiny little figure got into the huge car and drove quietly and slowly away. I thought to myself, "That was Rose Kennedy! She said my baby was beautiful!"

So today with the news of Ted's death I have mixed feelings. I'm sad because I know his family is hurting and the remaining part of his family are now mostly my generation and younger. It's hard to think that Maria Shriver and Caroline Kennedy are the older Kennedys these days. It's definetly the end of an era with him dying. I just wonder what will happen when he meets his maker. Do you ever wonder about that? Everyone must.

Well I'm up early with the kids gone to school and I have some errands to run and I'm thinking that perhaps I've been too whimpy with my thinking. I need to be stronger and I need to get more self control. I can do it. That meeting with that psychologist guy the other day really upset me. I'll have to write about it more after I think about this a bit more. Today is Ted's day.

The first day of school...

2009-08-25T14:00:00.003-04:00

So it's the first day of school and as I drove the two of them to school this morning I couldn't say anything right. Yeah, they hang me out on the line more times than not.

Then when Pres got out of the car in front of the school a blanket fell out on the ground and I had to get out of the car in my jammies to put it back in. That's good luck straight from the get go!

I've had hernia pain for almost 24 hours now and I'm getting tired of it. I just keep imagining that it's going to bust open inside me and I'll die from it. That would be my fate, to die from a hernia.

Sounds dramatic? I'm the mom of the queens of drama! So kill me.

My daughter looked like she was going to cry. Just what I want to do, is drop her off for the first day of school when she looks like she's going to have a breakdown. So I just asked her what the matter was and she went off on me like fireworks! Just leave me alone!

Okay... a little while later I told her she looked pretty. More tears in her eyes, the whole time her cell phone is messaging, messaging noises, and then she goes off again.

Pres was fine. He actually sounded excited. I hope he has a good day. So I dropped them off and I texted Rach to take the bus home. I'm sure there will be some good stories. She said she made one friend, that's a miracle! I'm so hoping that Pres acts reasonable in school. Please God make that happen!

Do you remember your first days of school? I always loved the first day of school. There wasn't much work to do just a lot of getting books, assigned seats, hearing the rules, and that kind of thing. I remember wearing my best outfit, but this morning I was concerned that Rach was showing a bit too much cleavage, but I wasn't going to be the one to tell her about it.

I never had cleavage, I just went braless. Burn your bras! That was back in the day!

So it's a shame that I haven't felt good on my first day of freedom, but it's okay. I have had Chase, my grandbaby and he's such a doll. You could just love on him forever and he'd let you. He sure is a little red headed cuddle bucket.

I wish I was back in school. I liked those days, being friends with everyone. It was great. I really enjoyed myself with the kids in my class and the school work was easy. I just barely did my homework, and I still got good grades. The only thing I failed in was french. So I switched over to Spanish. Just good memories inside that building.

Come to think of it, my kids are always hanging me out to dry. How about yours?

Who is the most important person in your life?

2009-08-24T15:25:00.003-04:00

I was wondering if you would be truthful and leave a comment concerning who the most important person in your life is?

I was faced with that question today. I do put God first in my life when thinking on the importance of things, but I've never considered myself the most important person.

I was at a psychologist's office taking tests this morning to see how crazy I am I guess - I'm looking for someone who knows about PTSD - and the subject came up that I take care of all others before I take care of myself and he said to me - who is the most important person in your life?

I guess it's supposed to be me. When I was a teenager in that "teenage phase" when everything in your world revolves around yourself - my father one day made me look at him and he said to me, "Kathleen, you are the least important person in the world." So I grew up believing that I was the least important person in my life. My father was a genius after all, why wouldn't I believe him?

That poor psychologist... I had him all messed up. He wasn't prepared for someone who lives in the Dayton area to have such a messed up childhood. He asked me if I had a good or bad childhood and I said, "After that comment he made, do you think it ever got any better?"

So it's time for me to be the most important person in my life. You can say your kids are the most important people, but that's not the right answer. If you don't take care of yourself first then you can't take care of anyone. If you don't love yourself first then you can't really love anyone else either. Did you know that?

If you can't offer yourself compassion, you can't have compassion for anyone else. If aren't gentle with yourself, then how can you be gentle with others? There is so much truth to these statements. It's a shame I never knew this stuff before I was forty five years old. I'm way behind on learning. How many parents right now in the world teach their kids that they have to learn how to love themselves because they are the most important person in their world?

So how about you? Did your parents teach you that you are a worthwhile human being and that you need to love yourself? I'm wondering about it. I'm curious. If I haven't been loving myself then who have I been all these years? I haven't been loving myself for sure so what does that mean and who am I?

I told the psychologist that my father also told me that I couldn't go to college because women were supposed to get married and have children and clean house and cook and be mothers and wives. I wonder what he thought about it all. I'm sure that there are plenty of patients that have horrible stories about their childhood. I wouldn't know what to do with all of that information if I were a psychologist.

So I picked the picture for today thinking who is the person behind the mask? Who is that most important person in your life? The picture made me think of Phantom of the Opera. I love that movie. I could watch it over and over again. That's something I love - the singing in that movie!

Think about it though, please. Who is the most important person in your life?

How do you mend a broken heart?

2009-08-23T13:14:00.006-04:00

I woke up singing that old song to myself. I have been sleeping very long hours. I have a huge sleep debt. That's a good thing. Sleep is something that I've never had enough of. The song didn't quite come to me all at once, I had to pull at it for a few minutes. Ever have that happen to you? I was singing, "How do you... a brookkkennnn hearrrt." Then I pulled a little bit and I knew what I was writing about. Mending a broken heart isn't all that easy. I can understand why my oldest daughter is being so difficult. She has a broken heart. I'm partially responsible for breaking her heart when she was a little girl. I divorced her father and that broke her heart the first time. As parents we can say that life goes on and things happen, but what we do to our children, we must be accountable for. I've already talked to her about the divorce, but obviously she didn't let her heart heal from our talks about what happened in her childhood. I'm not sure what she wants me to do about the past because you just can't change the past. I'm sorry about it. I even told her that if I had it to do again that I would do it differently and not divorce her father. I could in retrospect see how much it hurt my two girls to divorce him. I told them both that if I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now, that I would have made my marriage work and stayed married to him no matter how miserable I was. I was just too immature back then to understand it all.

Besides, marrying their father was a rebound reaction from my dad telling me that I couldn't go to college because women were supposed to get married, have kids and be wives and mothers. He told me to go find a man, marry him and have lots of kids so I did. The girls' father was that man I met and married although I knew I didn't love him. I wanted to love him, but I didn't. He was just at the right place at the right time. In fact, there were a million reasons why I shouldn't have married him, but I was so hurt (broken hearted) by what my father had said to me that it didn't matter. I was in zombie mode, just doing what he said to spite him, but what I didn't realize I was doing was cutting off my own nose to spite my face.

He didn't meet any of my needs. He had one thing on his mind and that was what my mother said to him, "You'll never be able to support her in the manner to which she's become accustomed to." It was a challenge to him. So he worked hard and often and would come home and crash on the floor every night and I resented it. Instead of appreciating what he was doing for our family, I hated being alone all of the time. After all he had moved me 2000 miles away from my friends and family and then deserted me. I hated it. I ate myself silly during my first pregnancy because I was so lonely gaining 75 pounds.

I watched re-runs of old shows and ate ice cream, drank pepsi and ate large amounts of comfort food. It was horrible. I felt so alone. Then I had the baby and he doted over her, but still never any attention towards me. It was just lonely as all get out, but I didn't know how to be myself. I didn't know how to carry on with life without him. It was all dysfunctional.

So now after all the years have gone by and my daughter's heart has been broken so many times by her father and by me, she wants to have a good relationship with me and she sees me trying to visit my son in Michigan all the time and I never go to visit her. She sees me spending so much time and energy on my daughter with the children and I never expend that kind of energy towards her. I see why her heart is broken. But she doesn't understand how she keeps herself at arms distance from me. I can understand and I am wrong in not expending the same amount of energy on her that I did on the others but I didn't realize that I was hurting her. I really didn't realize it. I can see it now and that's why I am thinking of her every five minutes every day and hoping that once I go to see her and spend my energy on trying to pay attention to her needs, maybe she won't be so heart broken when she knows that she does matter to me and I do love her with all of my heart.

I think that's why she called me a part time mother. It's all I can figure out, but I'm not afraid to say I'm sorry for hurting her and for making her feel like that. I'm not afraid to say I was wrong for doing that. I make mistakes just like the next person does. I'm not perfect and I'm not so high and mighty that I can't come down to the level of saying, "I'm sorry for breaking your heart."

Think about it. Have you broken someone's heart and you don't know what to do about it? It's a place that isn't nice. I feel horrible, but all I can do is apologize for the past and hope that she accepts my apology and stop leaving her for the left over energy in my life. She deserves the same treatment as the others. Think about it. You may need to offer an apology to someone you know.

What are you dreaming of?

2009-08-22T11:39:00.003-04:00

Dreams are of a particular interest to me because some really strange things have happened in my dreams - like some dreams have come true - some dreams I've communicated with dead people who meant a lot to me - and some dreams scare me because they repeat themselves and it's usually about someone's going to get hurt or die. I just had two dreams - two nights in a row about my daughter's step mother dying.

I've had an extreme interest in the paranormal. I'm not sure how you feel about what happens after you die, but I've always talked out loud to my dead friends and relatives, actually carrying on a one sided conversation with them at times. There have been a few times in my life when I had dreams about my grandmother communicating with me - talking to me about something that had been important in my life - and when I woke up I had to hurry to my computer and write down what she said so I could think about it. I didn't know that my grandmother knew that when I was sixteen I got pregnant and my mother forced me to have an abortion. Back then, back in the day (haha) abortion had been argued through roe vs. wade and there still hadn't been a decision yet. In New Hampshire where I lived, abortion was illegal at the time.

That abortion was a literal nightmare. It traumatized me to the nth degree. We had to cross the state line and I ended up walking up to the towering monster of a building at Mass General Hospital to experience one of the most brutal experiences I have ever had in my lifetime. There was no pity or sympathy for a young girl of 16 who had gotten herself pregnant. They ostracized me, humiliated me and intimidated me. It was horrible to put it mildly. I had very bad feelings about abortion and my experience throughout my life and I'm sure that the abortion spurned many poor decisions in reaction to the event.

In my dream my grandmother told me that I had to get over it and that no one blamed me for the abortion and killing my own baby. She told me that I had to forgive myself no matter what it took because I would never have peace in my life until I did. And I didn't even know that she knew about it. My mother had been so secretive about the whole thing. Not only was the abortion a bad experience, but I had to overcome something my mother kept saying to me when she tried to validate her reason for forcing me into the abortion - "I will not let you ruin your life by having a child." I was already in doubt concerning the love my parents might have had for me. It didn't seem like they loved me at all. It seemed like I was simply a responsibility for them to attend to.

After that dream I felt better about the experience and suddenly I didn't feel the need to tell my story about the abortion anymore. I wasn't at peace about it, but I was able to let some of the hurt go. I was able to understand the situation better for some reason. So as you can see having dreams like this make you wake up and smell the coffee. It has happened to me more than once.

I had dreamt several times that my friend's daughter had been in a car accident. Finally I couldn't ignore it any longer so when I went to work the next day after having that dream again, I asked my friend how her daughter was. She told me that she had been in a car accident a few nights prior. I couldn't believe it.

I have dreamt over and over again that my ex husband would leave his wife and I just heard not too long ago that he's getting a divorce.

Now, I'll tell you this next thing, but you can't think I'm crazy because it's the truth. I've been studying about the paranormal - you know already if you read this blog that some of my favorite shows on television are about the paranormal. I spoke out loud to my grandmother before I went to bed and to a friend of mine, a very close friend of mine who died several years ago in a sudden car accident and told them that I was interested in communicating with the dead and I wanted a sign from them in my dreams.

So that night I dreamt about first my grandmother dying and it wasn't frightening, it was just a normal progression of death and then suddenly it turned into a very scary and frightening scene of skeletons and what you would consider to look like what bodies would look like after being in the grave for a few years. So while death was normal it turned into something you might not want to look at. Then later the same night I dreamt that my friend Phil came to me and he was smoking a cigarette and looked much like he did before he died, but I knew he had suffered violent injuries and that he wouldn't have looked like he did before he died. But he talked to me and told me what it was like to be dead. Then he told me it was time for him to go back and I was so sad.

So the dream continued and I was in the bathroom sitting on the toilet and I heard something behind the shower curtain and then Phil came back out laughing this horrible scary laugh and he had been hurt badly and his wounds were open and gaping. He had a friend with him and he had been mutilated as well and they were scaring me purposedly. They kept coming close to me and trying to grab me and were just the creepy looking creatures you see in horror films.

I concluded from the dream that while it's normal to have thoughts of communicating with the dead that maybe it would be too scary for me to deal with and not something I could handle. Maybe they were trying to convince me that it could be too frightening to deal with and I had better reconsider.

I totally believe that it's all possible. You might think it's nuts, but I am really into whatever it is I'm dreaming about. I think about the messages I get when I'm dreaming. Do you? What are your thoughts about your dreams? Are you dreaming of something special?

Something I loved that I miss...

2009-08-21T15:38:00.003-04:00

I had a friend in Germany that I used to talk to online. We had the same love for writing. It was completely a one in a million thing that we met each other and that our friendship became so strong with the written word being the common denominator between us. We would write each other stories. Just like this picture tells a unique story just by looking at it, our stories were language being used to the fullest to describe smells, touches, tastes, sights, and sounds to the nth degree. You could picture yourself being in the story and experiencing the details yourself. It was amazing. Sometimes I'd laugh because his English was his second language and he'd mix German into it when he couldn't find the right word in English, but it made the whole thing especially beautiful and wonderful. To find someone who can express themselves like this is rare. I miss it.

I had found this old book of poems or now that I think about it more it was really like a diary of someone that was written in old German. So he found an old German dictionary and sometimes on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, (late afternoon for him, early morning for me) we would dissect the diary and look up the old German words in his dictionary and we would figure out the love story that it had secretly held. It was glorious!

Unfortunately though, we were truly enmeshed in a mind connection that had to end. It was more than intimate. I felt as though he was my soul mate, which isn't good for two married people to partake in. We did have fun though. I have never met anyone else who loves writing like this and who would take the time to play the game. It was challenging and exciting. I need to write my own books like this - short little vignettes of juicy fruit for people to feast upon. It takes a special kind of motivation to write like that.

Have you ever loved doing something so much and then you had to give it up? I wish I could contact this guy for one more story, but I lost his email address unfortunately when my hard drive crashed. I hate that. It's those things that we are passionate about that we love with all of everything that is within us that we need to do more of, to nurture and to be proud of. When we lose all things that we love it's like we cease to exist. When I was writing those stories I felt so alive and so happy. I was challenged and excited and I looked forward to hearing the next story and writing another one that would out do the last one I had received.

I've tried to put myself there again and I can't quite capture the feelings I once had. There are many things that I once loved doing that I have lost and that's another reason why I feel I am not my authentic self very often. I miss writing those stories... I miss reading his...

How we think about ourselves...

2009-08-20T10:36:00.003-04:00

I've been talking to some people from high school, next year it will be 35 years since my graduation. It's strange that when I talk to someone from the past, I turn into my real self and not who I outwardly am now. It's hard to say who I am inwardly now because I'm in a huge change mode. Soon I'll be in a huge change mode outwardly. Thus I bring to you my two faceless girls who I found one day looking for pictures and I knew they'd come in handy someday for some sort of topic and here it is! Who am I? Do you know who you really are? Do you live with your authentic self or with someone you don't really know?

I asked my daughter the other day if she thought I was a happy person and what a surprise I got! She thought I could be a ton more happy than I appear, which is absolutely true. I am hoping that not only will I be happier, I'll be more confident in myself and more productive. I know I can do it.

I just really love talking to people from my past and saying to them, "did you know I was really unhappy all the time," and they say, "no, I would never have thought that." It's not that I wanted to fool anyone, but it validates what I've discovered about myself. I never thought much about who I projected as a teenager, but I knew that I liked everyone and everyone liked me. I was easy going and personable. Actually I was a flower child, seeking peace, love and rock and roll! I had tons of insecurities. I didn't think my parents loved me at all.

I struggle now with my dad having Alzheimer's and not going to see him. I don't want to see him like that, I want to remember him the way he was. The way he was isn't so great, but it's the physical part of him that has changed, mentally he's always been over the edge. Anyway, I'm not negatively affected by it now. I can accept what's happened to him and that I'm not going to see him. If he's still alive next year when I go to my reunion, I might go see him. I'll go see his wife no matter what. I respect her so much for what she's going through. She has really loved my dad and is taking good care of him.

I feel now like I have this huge open space within me and it's just waiting to get filled up with who I am. When I look in the mirror I'm not me. I've gained so much weight and I don't look old, but I don't look like me. Now with my weight loss plans I'll be happier losing weight and be able to try to look nice and feel as though I do look nice. Right now it's like - why bother? I don't want to look in the mirror. When I do it makes me realize that I'm just not me.

I'm going to have to find another way to self soothe because food will not be the answer for that anymore. I am on a huge self improvement campaign and it will begin to pay off soon. I'm really almost there. I hope you stay with me and someday I'll put my own picture up there in the corner and not want to hide in the dark over it all.

How do you feel about yourself? Are you confident and secure with yourself? Are you happy with your appearance? Do you feel who you are inside is exposed? The only time I feel close to exposing who I am inside is when I write. I so like helping others and sharing my experiences with others so they can understand what life brings to us and why things happen and perhaps maybe they won't feel so alone in life. I don't mind being alone at all, but I hate feeling lonely when I have so many people around me.

Do you know that feeling? Feeling like no one in your life really cares about what you want or what you think? I'm through with feeling like that. I am making progress by starting to care for myself. That's how you change things. It's time to start caring for yourself and making sure that you have not only what you WANT, but what you NEED! Taking care of our own needs is important because it's more than likely that you will be the only one who does care for your needs. Start figuring out what you need in life and then make a plan on how to get what you need. It will work if you get serious about it and make that commitment to yourself I've talked about in the past.

It's time to start loving who you are and being proud of who you are. Try it out with me!

Feeling like things are falling in place

2009-08-19T13:38:00.003-04:00

Things have been up in the air for so long!!! Problems, worries, fears and all kinds of crap are always floating over my head or so it seems.

Today I got my son's transcripts from his old school and it was so cool that the new principal over there was just so nice and everything I had heard about him was that he was a hardass! Dang, I just started explaining what a hard time we had with that school and that my son needed his transcripts and he just waived the fees and didn't let me finish explaining what else we needed done - he just asked his new secretary to get the transcripts, I shook his hand and it was over! Awesome! I had anticipated having to get all puffed up and I wasn't looking forward to it.

And now... things are falling into place. I heard from my surgeon and the hernia operation is going to be soon. I'm going to start concentrating on myself and making myself happy along with encouraging the kids in school, because they'll need encouragement, but I'm just happier than ever knowing that I can take care of myself finally and concentrate on what I need to do instead of worrying about all of the kids stuff.

I had a vision of this happening a long time ago and it's here now - happening - in my present moment. The kids are in a REAL high school - goodbye Dayton Public Schools, hello Kettering City Schools! I'm writing for real - hello examiner.com!!! and I have my own blog and my websites are faring really well with a readership of close to 50,000 per month. I may even find myself so inspired that I have time and the confidence to get my books published.

We're living in a real house not far from The Greene where the kids like to hang out. Rachel's gym is there right within walking distance and the Rec Center for Kettering is right within walking distance for Preston to work out at! I will be there too, swimming and getting myself in shape. We are watching Chase, our grandson, two afternoons a week so we get to spend some quality time with him while Charlotte is in school.

We still have to find a home for one of our dogs, but that's going to happen soon, I just know it. Happiness is here and I'm really beginning to feel the effects of living within the realm of being happy and having my dreams come true. It's simply amazing!

Have you ever taken the time to realize that things you had hoped for are finally coming into fruition? We all must take time to smell the coffee brewing and recognize the random acts of kindness people in our own family as well as outside our family perform for us. Recognizing feelings of happiness is essential for us to feel fulfilled in our daily life. If we don't take the time to realize that happy things are happening all around us then we are incomplete and restless when we don't need to be.

I'm hoping that I can be mindful enough to remember the important things that need to be reinforced with the kids going to this new school and take the time to work with them to teach them good study skills and good work habits throughout this next phase of their teenagerhood.

I wish my daughter wasn't being so hard in NYC because that would make my life extremely happy and complete, but I haven't heard a word from her yet. My youngest daughter, Rachel, asked me for her phone number last night to put into her new phone and try to call her. It made me so sad that we couldn't talk to her together like we used to and hear her news. She thinks she's punishing me, but she's punishing herself by not being able to be a part of her own family. I miss her so much, and that's what she wants. Oh well. It's sad. She didn't answer the phone for my daughter either.

That's sad for her. When life is giving you happiness though, you must grab it and appreciate it. I appreciate all the positive things happening in my life, but I do miss my daughter. I'll have to pray more about it and maybe something will change. But for now, take the time to smell the coffee and say thank you to those who have done something nice for you today!

HA! I missed a day!

2009-08-18T12:14:00.004-04:00

Sorry everyone, but I guess I was just so busy yesterday getting the kids registered into high school that I was overwhelmed, worked on some of the sites and fell asleep watching Paranormal State! Geez, I slept all the way through the night too! That's the first time in a very long time. I don't even remember the last time I slept through the night without waking up once.

Hey gang... I had two comments on my post traumatic stress disorder post and I had to reject them. Sorry. I just don't go for advertising on posts especially for drugs, which is what those two posts were about. I will reject ads everytime because this isn't an advertising forum. So look in my window, but no one's home for ads.

I was overwhelmed with the new school for the kids, but I feel as though they are going to a real school now. Dayton Public Schools has had some improvements over what has been the norm so now Rachel is all bent out of shape because she has to go to a different school than her boyfriend. She refused to go to orientation today. Oh well... I'm trying to get Preston to switch over his days and nights because he has been staying up all night for quite a long time. It's a job trying to get him to stay awake in the daytime and go to sleep at night, that's for sure.

I almost feel as though I'll be having some time to myself or to concentrate on taking care of myself pretty soon. With the kids going to a real school this year they will be busy and have homework and I'll have to find other things to do with myself than babysit them all night.

It's so important that we take the time to take care of ourselves. I haven't been doing it at all for, well I've never done it. So now I realize the importance of it and I'm so into doing what I need to do as a person to be happy and healthy.

I want to thank those of you who have traveled over to read my column on the examiner.com because I get paid for every click and if everything goes well, I will have made my first dollar only five days into the project! Hurray! I'll take the time to virtually picture it framed on my wall! It means so much that you've supported me in my one money making venture!

My writing skills are changing, for the better I think and I'm so happy about it. I've been getting some comments on the other articles I write for www.selfgrowth.com and it just makes me smile and feel so good inside. Actually all's well in my world right now although I did have to take some time to stop hypervigilence this past week with all that was going on. I was on the road to overwhelm again!

Writing is a very important part of my life because it's the only way I express myself and it's the only thing I do for therapy right now. I haven't been able to find a therapist that I think can help me further my personal growth and recovery journey. I need to work more on my own, but I do think that once I find the person who is experienced with PTSD that can further my progress I'll be doing better.

I've been dealing with processing my emotions and feelings more often and that's so important as well. I hope that these things I write encourage you to do the same, that is write and to think about your emotions and feelings more than just a passing thought. We all need to recognize what we're feeling and identify it, by naming or labeling it. After we figure it out we can sit with the feelings we're having for awhile, read about them, study about whatever you've named it, such as "ambivalence" or "empathy." We can read about what those emotions mean and what people experience when they are experiencing the feeling or emotion.

There are symptoms, like actual symptoms of illnesses, that belong to each emotion and feeling. We need to take the time to study these things because it will help us to grow personally and will add so much depth to our lives if we work hard enough on it. Teaching these things to our children is even important. Think about how much easier it would have been for you if your parents taught you about emotions and feelings and that they were acceptable to think about and to express.

Well, I'm off to write about health and happiness within my new column! I hope you all are having a great day!

50 posts later...

2009-08-16T15:18:00.003-04:00

This is my fiftieth post here at living with emotional feelings. It's not a gigantic accomplishment, but it is a small one and I feel like celebrating it! Hurray!

I never feel stressed about having to continue writing everyday probably because it helps me process my emotions and feelings as well as offering me some relief from stress. Try starting a journal for yourself, or even a blog. It's a great tool in personal growth.

So I liked this flower picture and I've been saving it for the right moment. A small celebration like 50 posts is perfect! I hope that you all like the pictures I choose to accompany my posts. I search for them constantly on the Internet. It's not easy to find really nice pictures. I go through thousands of pictures trying to find the ones I show here. (in my spare time! hee hee)

I'm enjoying writing for the examiner.com - I believe I left the link in a previous article. It's a challenge and I beat the big bad demon finally! That was another accomplisment to celebrate. I usually give up and just try to forget about whatever it is I could have done if I had tried to beat the monster. Like my book. I have this book I want to publish, but I can't seem to beat the bigger demon in my closet that keeps me from working on it.

I've just met a man at www.selfgrowth.com which is another site I do some writing for and he does self publishing, so maybe that's what I need to consider.

I still haven't heard one word from my daughter, Michelle in NYC. She's still violently angry at me. It is really disheartening. I wish she would just read my emails so that she knows I'm going to visit her. Ohhh well... I don't know what else I can do about it. I'm going to just keep sending emails, maybe a card and I sent that Inner Bonding book. If I'm lucky her boyfriend will read it and maybe get her to read it. I hope they didn't throw it away or something stupid like that.

She is always on my mind as my son is as well, up in Michigan. I worry about them. I miss them so much. When you're a mother your kids never grow up - they're always your babies no matter what age they are. I know you need to let them go, which I have, but when things are difficult in your life and theirs it seems that they grow down a bit and become your sweeties again.

For the first time in months I woke up today and my feet aren't swollen. I had an accident six years ago in which I broke my leg - both bones - about an inch above my ankle. It didn't heal well, in fact, it took two years to heal and I was in a wheelchair all that time. I had to sleep in my living room because my bedroom was upstairs. I had to be non weight bearing all that time. So I had to stay in my living room, dining room and bathroom for two years. When it all ended, my leg is very weak and my ankle swells up if I walk at all on it during the day. Yesterday though, I was on the computer a large part of the day and didn't walk much so today, surprise! No swelling! My other foot gets swollen from depending upon it more than normal because my other leg is weak.

Well it's quiet in my house, we're watching golf. My son has been determined that he's going to do well in school which is good, but I'm so nervous about it. After all, he's 17 and is still taking freshman courses and will only be a sophmore if he's lucky. We have registration at their new school tomorrow. I'm so nervous about that. He needs to get his transcripts from his old school in the morning and then we can take them to registration later on. It's going to be a tiring day for me. Stressful.

I'll be happy when they're both in school and things start going smoothly if they ever will. I asked my daughter if she is going to go to football games and she said, "maybe." This school is truly a school unlike Dayton Public Schools that they've been going to. I hope it goes better. Not much to report so I'm going to celebrate my successes, let you go do whatever you do on Sunday, wishing you well and I'll have plenty to write about tomorrow, I'm sure!

Having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

2009-08-15T10:05:00.003-04:00

Perhaps most of my life seems normal to you all, but it's far from that. The emotions and feelings, the crisis, the confrontations, and the dysfunctions are all magnified a hundred times over because of having post traumatic stress disorder. For those of you who don't know much about mental illness, the brain's chemistry is changed through trauma or other means and the fight or flight response is kept "on" for far too long until the brain begins to think that it's where normal is. So if you think about a time when you went into fear mode, much like this beautiful girl on your left (thank you beautiful girl for your expression whoever you are!) - instantly you're transformed into a hyper-vigilent, heart pounding, armpit sweating, mind twirling, shallowed breathing zombie and you can't pull yourself out of it. Anger is magnified, anxiety is unbearable, panic goes crazy and attacks for both are imminent. Fears are so magnified that you can't face them, or even think about them so you cower into avoidance.

I've learned how to maintain somewhat, but there's always the prickling armpits, the quickened breath until I remember to use relaxation breathing, and the electrical charge that seems to start in my brain and then runs through my body to my toes causing me to shake uncontrollably. When I felt assaulted by the doctor it was magnified to rape in my mind. When my daughter calls me to tell me she's out with a stranger toting a drunk peer around trying to find her home, I get anxious, very anxious. When my son hits my daughter that's a "trigger" because I lived most of my life in domestic violence and then my PTSD transports me to a time and place where I was abused as well and I can't just leave it. I re-live an experience which runs into quite a few experiences until I can relax somehow and breathe my way out of it.

So blowing bubbles is a good thing for me, coloring is better. Making bead christmas ornaments and braided rugs out of old clothes causes me to use my hands as busy work which is good for those with anxiety or post traumatic stress. Keeping your mind busy with repetitive tasks helps you to relax. Relaxation techniques, tensing your body and releasing, feeling the moment and knowing your body tense and relaxed helps immensely because once you practice it enough, when something happens that throws you into a tizzy, you can call upon your practiced behaviors to help you calm down and relax to get back to normal - normal whatever normal is for those of us with PTSD.

Chaos can cause confusion. My house seems to be in chaos more times than not. When things are chaotic because my brain is on hyperdrive all of the time - I can't sort out my emotions and feelings so they blend together into a whirlwind or tornado of emotions and feelings and they swirl around at lightning speeds until I can get my mind to relax and I can begin to sort through the mess. Finding those quiet times is difficult.

If you know someone with PTSD you might want to keep these facts in consideration. When the emotions and feelings are whirling around and your mind gets bogged down with too many of them that have gone unprocessed depression can easily catch you from behind and suddenly you're thrown into a depressed mood because your mind is actually trying to save you from that tornado sliding through your brain, it wants things to slow down, but there aren't any accurate controls left in your brain because it's chemistry has gone awry and once that happens it can never go back to normal.

Depression is very common for those with PTSD to experience. It's like they're kissin' cousins. I also have this ever looming eating disorder which keeps me on my toes because it never really goes away. While I have it under control, it could sneak up on me if I'm not aware and mindful of my feelings and emotions and how I am coping with things. It's a contest. I live in a game or contest with a disease. Mental illness is a medical illness. People don't realize that but it's all about your body's reactions to stress, trauma, abuse or depending upon what you are diagnosed with heredity, predisposition, lifestyle, economic situation, and the list goes on.

Your sleep is affected, your eating habits are affected and everything in your life is different than normal people. Your loved ones are affected and your friends might not understand your strange quirks. Sometimes it's just easier to not have any friends. Mental illness can stay with you for the rest of your life sometimes. You can take medication and keep it under control, but it's never gone completely.

So for those of you who don't know me, and wonder why I write about my daily life and the emotions and feelings I experience - it's because I have to get it out - I have to talk about it - I need someone to understand that living with PTSD isn't easy and there's a whole bunch of military people coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan with this mental illness who need understanding. People need to learn about it because they need to be understanding and loving to these people. Gentle, tender, accepting and friendly helps so much. Life is all about the emotions and feelings we experience and those with PTSD experience these emotions and feelings about one hundred times magnified than normal people do. Can you imagine your fears magnified a hundred times?

Understand us, accept us because we need it. Find someone who has PTSD and hold their hand and tell them that you have learned about the disease and you understand because it will make all the difference in their life, really truly will.

So many things....

2009-08-14T11:39:00.003-04:00

It's never a dull moment in my house and there's never a better time than now to go sit outside on the front porch to blow some bubbles. How long has it been since you blew some bubbles by yourself - no kiddies - just you? It's incredibly relaxing. There's also coloring - how long has it been since you colored with crayons in a coloring book? Cheap relaxation. Do it! It's awesome and you'll get hooked. Money is tight and there seems to be nothing to do that's in the budget; nothing but blowing bubbles and coloring that is.

I faced my demons and I beat them this week by completing that article at the examiner.com that I wanted to do. http://www.examiner.com/x-17864-Dayton-Health-and-Happiness-Examiner It was down to the last day and I did it. Amazing isn't it? For the first time in a very long time, I beat the self fulfilling prophecy thing and met my goal. So I'm happy and proud about it so tonight I might blow some bubbles by myself and celebrate. That's if the mosquitos aren't too bad out!

You can check out my column anytime by clicking the link above! I need all the support I can get with that column because it's one that I can actually make some money with. That's exciting because my entire network of sites doesn't bring in a single penny and my husband, well, he doesn't appreciate the network as much as I do because of that. It brings me treasures worth more than money - it doesn't bring him anything so he gets a bit testy about me working on it sometimes.

The kids are on their own tonight, so far anyway, and the grandkids are with their father which is a change for a Friday night, so it's just me and my husband going out to dinner! I love that! We will get a newspaper and do a crossword puzzle together while we eat most likely. It's the simple things that make life nice. That's kind of the point I'm trying to make. It's a walk together holding hands or going to a lake and just sitting watching the sunset that make memories that we can cherish. We need to learn how to relax.

I've had so many feelings all week I just want to let it all go for tonight and relax. My health has been bugging me and the craziness in my house has been unsettling, but tonight I think I'll be able to just sit at home and have quiet because the teenagers are all out doing whatever teenagers do.

No matter how hectic your life is, stop at the drug store and buy a bottle of bubbles and sit with a loved one or alone and just blow those bubbles into the night air and be with yourself and whatever it is you're feeling. Just settle in and relax and let your heartbeat slow down and your pulse steady out and just be aware of what is going on around you. Let your senses get a workout as you hear the night sounds, smell the neighborhood smells, feel the air, see the bubbles burst when they touch something and watch them float through the air before bursting, and taste the soapy water when the stick hits your lip while you're blowing!

It's simple, it's real and it's ever so cheap. RELAX!

To be respected... wouldn't that make things different?

2009-08-13T08:49:00.003-04:00

So I spoke to my doctor yesterday and she acknowledged that this doctor she sent me to was a strange bird. But she also acknowledged that while I might have been taken aback by his breast exam that it WAS totally appropriate because hernias can reach breast level at times. Okay, I say, why not prepare me for that? Why not tell me he's a strange bird and that maybe he'll do a breast exam? Isn't that more respectful? I am demanding respect from everyone in my life and this will not do. I want to know what you're going to do to me BEFORE you do it not while you are doing it. From now on it's my responsibility to ASK what will be done. I'm not going to allow myself to feel that disgusting feeling of being assaulted or disrespected by anyone.

I'm keeping the doctor due to the fact that my doctor claims he's a very good surgeon. She did acknowledge that he is a bit "unusual." I say he's damn creepy.

I've been hearing from a few of my visitors and believe me, I love it! I am so happy that you can share with me and I just love being able to "interact" with my readers instead of the experience of the blog being so one-sided! Thank you and thank you again because you are so important to me! I just am so honored that you would not only visit my blog but that you would trust me with a correspondence! Thank you again! Keep writing!

So yesterday I went to get a CAT scan. I had the lovely experience of talking to two ladies who were at the hospital with a neighbor lady that they help take care of. Now how nice is that? It's absolutely awesome! Not only that they brought her to the hospital, but I overheard their conversation and they go in and take care of this neighbor - making sure she eats, takes her meds correctly, and they communicate with others who care for her as well, which makes me smile and be so proud of them for their giving of themselves and their loving kindness.

One of the women was from Newburyport, MA and I was from Plaistow, NH so we were virtually neighbors growing up and I used to go to the Grog restauarant and bar - it was one of my favorite haunts back when I was just drinking age. We talked about New England and how much we miss it and then I told her that my father lives in Londonderry, NH and that he has Alzheimer's. She works with Alzheimer's patients and their families heading up a support group and also working with housing facilities I believe where people who need some care in living can move to. It was interesting talking to her because she mentioned that they're finding out that Alzheimer's disease is showing a particular preference for highly intelligent people and they seem to have an escalated for of Alzheimer's like my father does.

It was good to talk to someone who had firsthand knowledge of what my father is going through and she would mention things that he has already gone through. My brother went to see my father but he hasn't called me to tell me what he saw. I don't plan on hearing from him although my mother said he'd probably call me. We just don't have a relationship, we're just related by blood. Isn't that sad? It's always too bad when someone thinks that they're above or better than someone else. What is that about anyway? We're all human and that means none of us are perfect.

I don't talk much about my husband do I? Hmmm... well I'm not sure why except he's such an unusual or unique person that it's difficult to be objective when speaking about him, but as I spent the entire afternoon at the hospital yesterday for the CAT scan, he cleaned the entire kitchen for me while I was gone and I do so appreciate him doing that. It was glorious to come home thinking I had to tackle that huge mess my kids have made and when I walked in there was no mess! He knows what I need - sometimes. But I must admit that his surprise for me was totally out of his normal character, maybe there's hope afterall for him!

Last night the strangest thing happened. My daughter had a friend spending the night. She's really growing up quickly. She opened her first savings account with her sister yesterday and she's so proud. She's fifteen and is working for her sister babysitting a few days a week. She is saving money for her trip to Florida in October with her sister and for a car. She wants to have a car when she turns 16 and is able to drive. She is so different from her brother who doesn't have an ounce of responsibility within him.

But the strange thing that happened was she was at The Greene, which is an outdoor mall where none of the stores or restaurants are connected - it's like a little shopping and eating village - and they bumped into a girl who was only 14 years old and a friend of her boyfriend's sister. In fact this girl had come to our house before to spend the night with the boyfriend's sister. Well this girl, I'll just call her Simone - Simone who is only 14 was so drunk that she was lying in the middle of the road. My daughter saw her and literally pulled her off the road and got her shoes which were slightly away from the rest of her. This drunk Simone was with another girl who was drunk but who was handling it a bit better. That girl told my daughter that they were drinking Vodka, straight up, and that she had left her purse in this guy's car that was in the parking garage.

My daughter left her friend to watch the drunk Simone and she went to the parking garage to get the girl's purse. Then when she returned this girl Simone was so drunk she couldn't stand up and was drawing a large crowd around her. A woman who may have been in her late 20's or early 30's took action and she helped my daughter by getting the girl into her car and my daughter and her friend started researching where the girl lived. As soon as all this started happening, my daughter called me to tell me what was happening. I couldn't believe it!

So this really nice woman helped the girl puke holding back her hair when they were driving towards the girl's home. When they got there they found out that her mother had no idea what had been happening with her daughter. The father was a minister. The girl who had just left her there had shown up just before my daughter did with the drunk Simone. The mother started giving my daughter a hard time about why her daughter was drunk and my daughter respectfully set her straight. The first girl had lied about what they were drinking and tried to appear not drunk, although she was.

The woman who helped them all was so nice. She came into the house to introduce herself and she gave my daughter her phone number and told her if anything like that ever happened again to call her. I just thought that was so nice! In one day I ran into quite a few people who were actually helping others and I loved it. It was just so cool to be able to see how loving others and helping others can save peoples' lives. I just think of that poor 14 year old girl and what could have happened to her if no one helped her.

So think about someone you can help and do someone a favor or give a simple act of kindness. It's beautiful!

Intimidation and Humiliation

2009-08-12T10:57:00.004-04:00

I've been intimidated and humiliated and I feel as though I've also been assaulted but I have probably no recourse. I went to the surgeon yesterday afternoon so he could check out my hernia. If some of you don't know it - a hernia is usually in your torso area, on your side, your groin, stomach areas - and this doctor made me take off all of my clothes and he gave me a breast exam before checking out my side. This was not only intimidating - my daughter asked me if I said anything about it to him - "he's a doctor!" I said, and humiliating because I knew there was no good reason for it and the way he was touching my breasts was a way I had never been touched before for a breast exam. What was that about? I felt like a little girl in there not able to speak up for myself. It was horrible. Not only did he do this then later he made me stand inches away from him naked while he told me to cough to get the hernia to pop out and I told him it wasn't going to pop out like that from coughing. This hernia comes out when I sit down or bend over.

He was creepy looking on top of it all. Totally Edgar Allan Poe creepy looking. He had white skin and hairy long fingers and it looked like he has a manicure all the time because his nails were impeccable. He was tall with a long face and dark features - just a creepy looking guy. I don't want to go back to him. I called my doctor to see if it was standard operating procedure for a hernia surgeon to administer a breast exam and to get the name of a new doctor. I can't go back to that monster.

I couldn't function when I got home. I tried to just get on with my day but I felt as though I had been assaulted. It was depressing and scary to think about. I just can't get his face and his fingers out of my mind. My daughter looked him up and it said he was a pediatric surgeon, but there were only old people in his waiting room which was like straight out of a scary movie on top of it all. The secretary was even typing the paperwork up on a typewriter - how ancient is that?

Waking up this morning I have a headache and I feel lousy like I've been through a horrendous night of night mares. Don't ever let a doctor make you feel like this. If you have questions you have to speak up because it would feel better to question than to live like this afterwards. I'm going to get a CAT scan now so I guess this is it for now... I'll write again later for today.

Absorbing and thinking... thinking and absorbing

2009-08-11T11:14:00.002-04:00

I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't take in the information I've been getting, then think about it, absorb it, see how it makes me feel and then go about processing my emotions and feelings over it all.

I've been trying to recognize and identify what I'm feeling, but it's not working very well because I feel shell shocked almost. I have two extreme experiences happening here everyday - extreme and intense happiness and joy with babysitting my grandson and shock and dumbfoundedness with the news of the unhappiness and distress being experienced by two people (really 4 people) who have been so extremely horrid to me in the past.

It's not just something that you can forget about. It keeps popping into my brain whenever I take two seconds to stop thinking about what I'm doing. I keep asking myself, "How do I feel about this?" Am I obsessing? Maybe, but wouldn't you?

I am thinking about Michelle lots lately because I sent her an email which she didn't answer. I sent her some pictures of Chase - who can resist smiling when looking at him? I even sent an Inner Bonding book to her fiance to read and maybe he can get her to read it, but no response from her. I intend upon visiting her and I'm not sure if she'll respond to me at all or just slam the door in my face. That whole bit is a bit nerve wracking.

I'm still struggling with organizing my mess as I've still got boxes of stuff in the garage to unpack from our move, but no more room to put things in the house. I'd be happy if all that stuff just went away, but we brought it here for a reason. It must be stuff we need to keep or else we wouldn't have moved it. I threw out so much junk when we moved. I was pretty good at only packing things to move that were essential or keepsakes and such. Organizing is not my cup of tea, but I didn't get any tips from my visitors to help me along! Please if you're good at that stuff, send me an e-mail or comment with some great tips.

I'm a bit worried about my mother. She says she is tired and she gets moody and she doesn't like it. That's a bit sad to me, because she always seems so full of life and is in better shape than I am at age 71 almost 72. She goes to the gym every week and cleans my sister's house and helps her friends do things, plus she's a red hat lady and she goes to lunch and plays cards and does all kinds of things with them. She helps take care of my sisters boys who are older, teens, but she watches out for them and transports the younger one who doesn't have a license yet. I'll have to keep closer in touch with her. She lives all the way out in Wyoming. She'll be traveling again soon because she never stays home too long.

All and all I'm wondering if any of my readers are simply feeling content with their life? Do any of you just sit back and say, "no worries!" instead of thinking about all of the stuff I'm thinking of. I've been absorbing information and thinking about it, but the list is getting long. My life is okay, no big problems or no disasters, but many annoying problems, like my daughter and having two teenagers to deal with. I just can't seem to have one of those days where I can sit back and just chill because I have so many things on my mind. I'm even thinking about trying out the first chapter of my personal book I'm writing her on the blog to see if anyone thinks it's interesting.

Give me a shout out if you think you might like to be my test group!

Absorbing and thinking... all day and night...

When it rains... it pours or so it seems

2009-08-10T13:04:00.006-04:00

Geez o pete! It's just amazing how when things start to happen they happen in numbers, of more than one anyway. I mentioned in my last blog that my ex-husband's business was having a horrendous time due to that Chinese drywall... it caused me to feel bad enough for he and his wife that I told her that I'd pray for them.

Now, news of my second husband comes around that he's getting divorced. The one that left me for my best friend, married her and then they ganged up on me with my first husband to get custody of my son... yeah that husband... the one I haven't been able to forgive yet - he's doing it to her now. He's already moved out to live with a "buddy." He probably has some money put away in a secret account that he'll live on for awhile, but won't pay his "buddy" a dime. Yeah, he'll make her life miserable and then the other woman will come out of the woodwork. I imagine she'll be younger and prettier. Hahaha... not nice of me to laugh. I can't find it in me to even start thinking about praying for these two. I just have to pray for my son because the two of them have put him in the middle of it all. He's pretty bummed about it all.

The strange part of it all is that I'm struggling with my feelings about it all. I don't really know what I'm feeling. I don't have those feelings of "it's about time they got theirs!" I am just kind of shocked. Two at the same time having difficulties when my life is getting better than ever. Now I just need to identify what it is I feel about it all.

It will never make what they did to me any better. There's nothing they can do to change the past. There's nothing anyone can do to change what has already transpired. The past is gone and I am living for the present. So does it make me feel any better that now they are getting their just rewards? No, I don't feel any pleasure, I don't know what I feel though.

What I do know is that my little grandson, Chase, makes me smile, laugh and feel more love than I've ever known possible. He and his sister, Charlotte, are the happiest two kids I've known. They are so precious and I feel so blessed to have them in my life everyday. We're starting to watch Chase a few days a week because my daughter isn't happy with his daycare. When he gets a bit older she'll put him in the same preschool she just put Charlotte in. Can you believe how beautiful he is? Here's another picture of Chase from when we went to Holland Beach in Michigan.

He's just a great kid with a very happy disposition.

I'm fighting my demons again that my father put out against me. I have a writing job that I'm having difficulty writing for. It actually pays some money, but I haven't been able to get excited about it or write for it because of that self fulfilling prophecy that my father set forth, stating that I'd never be successful at anything I tried to do.

So today I will write my first article no matter what it takes. Once I put the boy to bed, I'm going to start writing. I have to beat that thing a little bit at a time. I feel like I'm on a positive road to doing what I have always wanted to do, so wish me luck!

When something bad happens to someone who has wronged you - how do you feel? Do you feel as though you've won a contest or something? What does that say about us as a person then? I think it's very interesting no matter what else happens. The Lord is good to me and that's something I'm very grateful for.

Praying for those who have hurt you in the past...

2009-08-09T12:15:00.004-04:00

Well yesterday was as tough as I thought it would be, but there was a surprising conflict which arose as I listened to my exhusband's wife talk about how their construction business is suffering in south Florida because of the Chinese drywall fiasco. For those of you who aren't aware of that disaster, Americans imported a large amount of Chinese drywall which ended up with some of it being marked as American drywall for some reason. The Chinese drywall has caused hundreds of homes and businesses to have to be torn down and rebuilt because the drywall breaks down and causes a sulphur or rotten egg smell so bad that you can't stand being in the structure. So lawsuits are flying and I guess business was already down in the construction businesses in Florida, but then the Chinese drywall thing hit and things are getting desperately bad.

So my exhusband's thriving business is all but going down the drain. His wife had retired but has gone back to work a few days a week, she can't even find work as an xray tech down in Florida because jobs are so few and far between - even in the medical field. I was listening to her voice as she was truly beginning to break up a bit about it all because right before she had left for Ohio she had received five certified letters in one day signaling five more lawsuits because his company had gotten the Chinese drywall that was marked American drywall. I could feel her pain. Her very happy and secure life was beginning to unravel. There was something inside me that turned and churned as the both of them, my ex and his wife, at one time had been very cruel to me. Actually for a very long time they tried to persecute me and my ex husband put me down to my children for such a long time. So I had this little thing inside of me eeking out, "What goes around comes around."

But I didn't want it to say that. I felt it but I rejected it. I asked her a few questions and then I pulled myself together and told her I'd pray for them. In my mind I'd already forgiven them even though six years ago when I had my accident, but made it to my daughter's wedding in a wheel chair, my ex husband was still making threatening statements to me and kept on telling me that I was ruining his wood floors with my wheel chair. Oh well. I didn't let that bother me, if he only knew how many pain pills I was taking causing the whole thing to be coated in a thick haze. So I had to keep squishing the karma concept and keeping my mind on praying for them. I talked to my son about it. He's been very angry with his brother in law about some things and I told him his attitude was wrong and he needed to think about it more. He agreed with me about praying for those people though. Yesterday he was having a momentous realization that he's seventeen and it's time to grow up a bit.

Thank the Lord! Anyway, as I laid down in my bed last night I prayed for them, out loud. I asked the Lord to bless them and work in their life to make things easier for them. It was difficult but the right thing to do. So the Lord blessed me as my son wrote down a list of all of the life changes he needs to make to be more responsible and grown up so he will be successful. He was thinking of goals and prioritizing them and it just came out of no where. That's what I call a blessing!!!! I listened to him and saw his work and I'm literally amazed as to the change in his attitude. The Lord can do anything.

So I wonder how many of you have had the same thing happen where you have been faced with the dilemma of praying for someone who has been literally hateful to you? I really wonder what the odds are and does it mean that you are progressing in your level of faith in God when you have thoughts like this? Does it mean that your maturity level is rising or that you are living in a state of clarity that you haven't known before?

I don't feel the same way about my other ex husbands. I still have difficulty with forgiving them. I can't explain why but I think it revolves around the level of betrayal I suffered through their hands compared to my first husband. My first husband was simply hateful with me as was his wife, but the second husband was lying to me from the beginning of our relationship when he gave me an engagement ring that was simply glass and not worth more than five dollars - stating it was a diamond ring. That was betrayal from the get go and I just can't let go of my anger over how disgusting he made me feel for years as he continued to betray me. He was so emotionally abusive. I just can't let it go for some reason. Perhaps it was my best friend having an affair with him behind my back and then after we split up she married him and they stole my son through parental alienation and lying about me. It was horrendous. I'll never forget the pain I went through. Maybe that's why it's so much harder to forgive and let it go. It doesn't do me any good to hang on to the pain. I know that in my head but in my heart - my broken heart - it's more difficult.

So if I have to say what I was feeling yesterday I guess it would be feelings of turmoil, compassion, empathy and humility. I had to try to remain humble and remind myself of my own troubles and how I've had to endure certain hardships myself. There have been times that I have hoped people were praying for me. I've asked for prayers before. So I had to pull in some humility and be positive instead of dwelling in the murky mire. When we deal with people who have been horrible to us, we must pray for them somehow. I'm still trying to do that with my second husband and his wife. I interact with them at times, but I have a difficult time feeling compassion for their troubles yet.

Tell me what you feel about this topic. You've heard about people who have forgiven someone who assaulted them or killed a loved one before. They say they have to do it because the hate will eat them alive if they don't. I know that feeling. Do you?

Feeling the negative energy of judgment

2009-08-08T13:31:00.003-04:00

It's a tough day for me today. First of all, my grandson's birthday party is today and secondly I've been dealing with judgmental people and that makes me feel squeamish. That's right, "squeamish." Is that a word? I wonder if it's really a feeling, let me check that out. It is! The fourth definition fits perfectly with how I'm feeling - "easily nauseated or disgusted." I wrote this note on my facebook wall....

It never ceases to amaze me how judgmental people are. I just can't imagine being that way - #1.I have too many faults to work on myself and #2. God wants us to love each other and #3. It takes too much of my energy that I refuse to expend towards such a negative venture.

I just can't figure out why those who we love or those who are supposed to love us can be so judgmental towards us at the same time. I try to overlook it and sometimes I just can't. It hurts me. It doesn't matter what is being said, it's just the judgment that hurts. I wish that I could raise up my hand and obliterate all judgment of others. I'm not God and God can't do that either because he gave us free will. We have to choose to be judgmental of others.

The reason I say this is that it seems so many of my relatives, both young and old are judgmental. It is extremely disturbing to me to hear a young person be so closed minded especially one who claims to be considering being a priest. Catholic or no - I suppose the Catholic faith might cause someone to be judgmental as they have a huge sense of guilt within their religion. But still, I think of those who would be a priest or a pastor as being more loving, open minded and more like Jesus I guess. He was accepting of all kinds of people looking for the good within all people instead of the bad.

The picture I have included today represents to me a circle of love within the tree of life. Imagine adding judgment to that picture - it just doesn't fit. Love belongs there and charity, benevolence, kindness, fairness, faith and hope. Turning a negative into a positive is what people who love each other try to do for those they love. Something like, if someone you know is feeling negative or grouchy and you say, "I'm sorry you're feeling so badly, is there anything I can do to help you feel better? Would a hug make you feel better?" Thus adding positive energy to a negative experience. Whey you ask people if they'd like a hug when they are having difficulties it almost always makes them smile - which is positive.

Now why is a grandson's birthday tough to deal with? I'm going to be in that circle of love within the tree of life as pictured above, but judgment will be there with us. It would be like having a dead ugly branch coming out of the tree unnaturally somehow. It's uncomfortable to be judged when you're amongst love ones. I need to deal with it, for Chase my grandson, because I love him and want to celebrate his first birthday, but it seems like within my family cirlce there are so many judgers.

All I can do is try to be loving to all of them. It's tiring, but worth it. It takes much more strength to be positive amongst a bunch of negative ninnies. Is ninny a word? Let me see...Yeppers it is! It says "a fool or simpleton!" That's the right word to use! I love words. They are so powerful and so fun to use. It's interesting when you're writing to choose certain words over others, like the word, "squeamish" I used above. It was the exactly correct word that I was feeling; squeamish.

Well if you feel judged by others, just disregard it. Let it go into the air. You'll feel it for a moment and it doesn't feel good at all so just blow it away like you're blowing a feather or a bubble away from you and don't think about it again. If you feel as though there's something to it and maybe you are being whatever you're being judged about then do something about it instead, but no matter what, don't hang on to the negativity involved in judgment.

I hope your Saturday is a good one! I'll be eating pizza and birthday cake soon!

Liking the new direction in my life...

2009-08-07T19:53:00.003-04:00

Wow! I'm feeling pretty happy or positive or just plain content with the new direction in my life. It's truly awesome when you figure something out, have that AHA! moment and it's really something that changes things for the better. I'm feeling very content after going out to dinner with my husband and youngest daughter and her boyfriend, having a glass of chardonnay with my chicken asian salad and coming home to have a few minutes to myself while the rest of the crowd goes to visit my other daughter and her little one year old birthday boy.

Threw in a load of wash, warmed up my coffee and now I've got a clear head to write. My son is trying to drag me down because he's angry, but the topic came up again tonight about violence and I had to tell him to stop smack talkin' about Rachel's boyfriend. Rachel's boyfriend is still mad about Preston hitting his sister. I'm still upset about it too, but Pres won't own up to it, but then he contradicts himself about the whole situation which makes it apparently obvious that he's lying. I believe Rachel. I don't think she would lie about getting hit in the face. So I asked my son what's wrong and he has an anger list that he doesn't want to get into right now. OH WELL@!

He took off on his skateboard so maybe he'll blow off some steam. It's Friday night and he's by himself so he's pissed to begin with. Not my problem! I'm happy and no one is going to touch it!

I'm feeling hopeful about my future for the first time in a very long time. Action brings hope. Feeling hopeful is a good thing, believe me. I have always been hopeful in the past, but having a rough patch with my weight has left me hopeless for awhile. I forgot how good hopeful feels! So think about finding some hope and you'll be feeling better.

I'm feeling good about some other things in my life. My network of sites is really coming together and is getting closer and closer to becoming complete. I haven't had a completed network ever. I was adding sites before finishing others because I hate to leave out something that is important; I'll just add the important topic with some information about the point I think needs to get mentioned and then I'll work on finishing the sites later as I go on and on working - endlessly working. So feeling in control of the network was a new feeling. As I wrote my August column, "i just gotta say it!" it was great to explain my plans, goals and commitments so that visitors can see that I'm actually getting myself together!

When I get my thoughts together I feel so much more secure in myself. It takes time alone to get my thoughts together though and because I rarely leave the house I'm rarely alone. I got to thinking about taking up swimming and getting out more often and I thought that it would be so good for me, especially as I begin to get in better shape, and stronger, that I might even make a friend or two over at the Rec Center. That would be a change, having some friends to hang out with once in a while and talk to once in a while. I've been a loner since my accident and it just doesn't suit me well.

The other part of being excited about the near future is that once I begin to have a regular schedule with tasks that are allowing me to take better care of myself, I might have the strength and confidence to finish my books. That would be a winning opportunity for me. I have this company planned out too. I want to do some foundation work for several different charities as well. All in due time, but my hopes are high and I'm beginning to think like a successful person which is changing my entire present for the better.

Hey... those of you who haven't visited the network yet, click here and give it a shot! I think it's beginning to look much more put together as I make small inconspicuous changes here and there. Filling up all the sites is becoming a regular duty as well, I've just been more focused lately and it's all coming together. I've been working on these sites for seven years so to see them coming to a point of being completed and completely organized makes me feel so good. I actually am feeling like I've accomplished something!

Celebrating small accomplishments is so important! I'm going to decide what I'm going to do to celebrate getting all the sites done. It's something I need to attend to and look forward to! I hope you all had a great day and if it wasn't such a great day, I hope that you're feeling better and you can think of something to be hopeful about!

Commitments...

2009-08-06T19:10:00.003-04:00

I wrote an article today about commitment. It's a fact that I never made a commitment to my own self before seven years ago when I committed to the emotional feelings network of sites. I promised my self that I would continue to manage and update the sites until such a time that I took the whole thing off the Internet. I couldn't imagine having the sites and not maintaining them. Besides that, I have used the network of over thirty websites to learn, educate myself on a huge amount of topics that all have a bearing on my own personal growth and recovery journey.

I never dreamed I'd have this many websites, but that's not the point of the article. The point of the article is that I put everything I have had within me in the past seven years to cause personal growth and development as well as concentrating on my mental health. I know that the mind/body connection is important to understand and I do understand it; I just wasn't making more than one commitment to my self. I just worked on my mental health and personal growth while my physical health continues to go downhill fast.

I had an accident six years ago, breaking both my tibia and my fibula about an inch above my ankle. The break wouldn't heal for almost two years. I was in a wheel chair and had numerous bone grafts and surgeries because I ended up being allergic to the metal plate and screws they had put in my leg. They separated my fibula and inserted a bone stimulator - all and all - I had about five painful surgeries on the leg and still I have huge problems with it. It swells and it's painful and I can't walk very far at all or for very long. Not getting exercise has caused me to gain weight and I just eat too much for being so inactive.

It occurred to me that I needed to concentrate on my physical health, but I also don't want to make the same mistake with tunnel vision having made only one more commitment so I'm considering what my goals need to be so I can prioritize the goals and make plans to achieve the goals I intend to make. The article says that the only way it all works is if we "balance" it all out. Sometimes if we make too many goals - we fall flat on our faces in trying to achieve too much at one time. That's something we all need to be aware of.

I just did the opposite of too much, "not enough!" I did well with what I was doing, but now I have to make up by working very hard to get my physical health back to where I believe it needs to be. Happiness must come with balance because it's not hanging around an unbalanced life. It's really not! I wrote that I was overwhelmed a few days back and now I understand why. I had to think about it for awhile, but I finally figured it all out.

Not much to report on the homefront. I got the kids new cellphones today so I feel broke, but it wasn't as bad as the last purchase I made for one phone so I'm pleased with my change of attack. The kids are thrilled with their stuff as well, so I'm a winner! No news from Michelle and I had a phone call from my son Zac up in Grand Rapids at 4 a.m. this morning just to tell me he loves me. We all know his state of mind... walking home at 4 a.m. and calling his mother to say I love you! I worry about that boy!

I haven't had any comments or emails, but I'm not giving up inviting you to write about what's important to you or what you want to know about me! Til tomorrow~

Growing up with a Happy Mom and more....

2009-08-05T10:34:00.007-04:00

I put an article on one of my websites about being a happy mom and it made me really think about things. I used to be a happy mom, I know it. This is a picture (representative) of me being a happy mom, taking care of myself and being where I feel the most comfortable. It's amazing how my demeanor changes when I'm close to the ocean. There was a time when I woke up in such a good mood every morning just singing and making mickey mouse pancakes for the kids and felt good, looked good and was just that person I'd like my kids to experience growing up.

Think about it. What kind of person are your kids confronted with everyday? Are you happy and upbeat or are you down in the dumps, negative, grouchy and downright disagreeable? Maybe if you're unhappy you're making yourself miserable with how you are acting. I feel that way sometimes. I try to be in a good mood most of the time, but I'm not sure that I am projecting that outwards.

Reading that article just really put the thumb down on me. I really felt how powerful that message was. And it's not just your kids... what about your husband? How do you project yourself towards him everyday? Are you happy or are you a beast? Just food for thought for everyone. It meant so much to me to realize how I'm acting towards my kids and husband. I really have to get to the ocean more often. It's just pure therapy for me. It's such a deep connection that I have with the water.

Just one more thing... remember that you are building your child's memories every day. How do you want your child to remember his or her childhood?

We had some pretty stormy weather here yesterday and I loved it. It was really brutal. The wind was blowing and the rain was beating down on the house and the thunder and lightning were frequent, strong and loud! It was a day that you want to stay inside all day long and just nap and take it easy. I loved it. It's nice to have a day like that every so often. I happily did laundry and we ate grilled cheese and tomato soup... just one of those homey comfort days.

Today my husband took my grand daughter and daughter to the county fair. It's one of his favorite traditions. My grand daughter loves the animals. She is so excited. I have the little one - Chase - he'll be one on Sunday to watch. He's not feeling good so he and I will just hunker down and play with some blocks and trucks when he wakes up from his nap. He seems to be prone to respiratory illnesses and the doctor thinks he might be developing asthma. He's a handful! He's walking and running and getting into everything!

I treasure these times with the grandkids. They make me tired most of the time, but truly I love them so much and I'm so blessed to have them as much as we do.

I'm still waiting for news about being on Millionaire. Please send me the notice in my e-mail so that I know my ticket is in the mail. I want to be on that show so badly!

Today those two reporter ladies were brought home from North Korea and while I can't stand Bill Clinton, I am so happy he went there to get those girls. I watched the family reunion on the television and it made me grateful to know that my entire family was home in the US and accounted for being with those they love. That entire experience must have been so humbling for them. I can't imagine being a prisoner in a foreign country, but I do know what it's like to feel like a prisoner here in the US.

When I was in the domestic violence shelters I lived in for a very long time, it was like being held prisoner. I was supposed to be the protected one and yet I had no control over my life. I had to do everything when everyone else wanted me to do things. I had curfews and chores just like when I was a kid. That was a humbling experience believe me. I was just grateful that I don't have to experience that kind of thing anymore. It's easy to forget that this is how my life was for almost two years. I'm so happy that I got away from domestic violence. I just hope that if anyone reads this post who is experiencing domestic violence in their relationships that they get out and stay out, no matter what it takes.

I guess this whole post revolves around being grateful for what we have and acknowledging how grateful we are by having a pleasant demeanor and showing others outwardly that we are happy with our life and that we are doing what we want to do. If something is missing, find out what it is and take care of the problem. It's not worth it to be unhappy all of the time. If you would like to read the article, click here so you can see why it became so important to me. (scroll down in the right hand column towards the bottom once you get to the emotions and feelings page at the children 101 website!)

I'm very emotional today

2009-08-04T09:51:00.005-04:00

I'm feeling very emotional today. I'm not sure if it's sadness or melancholy I'm feeling mixed up with some confusion and ambivalence, but I'm just on the edge today. This picture kind of says it all in the expression. I've been wanting to use this painting I found, but was waiting for the right post... here it is.

Why do we wake up right out of the bed start feeling all emotional sometimes? I don't remember what I was dreaming about, but woke up several times last night with the thunderstorm we were having. I got out of bed, played some mah jongg and went back to bed when the thunder and lightning continued as it started to get light out. I was just feeling so down and sad or upset or something I can't quite put my finger on. It drives me crazy when I'm feeling something that I can't label. I wonder what it is and search out my emotions and feelings lists trying to pinpoint it, but it's like because it's a combination of emotions and feelings - it has a name of its own and I haven't named it yet.

I watched my shows last night, Intervention, Obsessed and Paranormal State. Intervention was extremely emotional and Obsessed was very emotional as well. Both were new shows that I hadn't seen yet. I just empathize with those people. Knowing addiction as I do - to food - because I still binge sometimes, I just don't purge, I have this extremely intense feeling of compassion for those people. The obsessive compulsive people I also have ties with because I'm not sure if it's phobias that I have or if I'm just obsessive compulsive with certain things. I feel like I understand them so well either way.

Have you ever watched Paranormal State? I love to watch this show because I so believe in contact with spirits and such. Do you believe in the paranormal? I especially like to watch the shows with the kids who have paranormal abilities because I so wish I could help them to identify what they're feeling so they can begin to process what they're feeling. They have huge obstacles in their lives because of their abilities. Think about it. If you saw spirits all day long and you had no one to talk to about it because you were afraid that people would ostracize you over it - how could you cope with it? So I identify with them because of the emotional feelings side of it. I so would like to develop any ability I might have as well. Just what I need right?

I could be very emotional today because I feel as if I'm still living not fulfilling my potential. I just barely scrape the surface and I want to learn how to develop myself as a person so that I can fulfil my potentials. I'm so disorganized with my thoughts at times. I need to have a plan and goals just like I tell other people, but I can't seem to make that happen because I'm too busy with all of my tasks that I must do everyday. Housework and the family always play a huge part in what I need to do everyday. So part of what I am feeling is almost helplessness at being able to do what I want to do.

Have you ever tried to pinpoint what you were feeling at any given point of your day? Mostly we get so busy that we don't take the time to try to label our emotions and feelings as they come to us. They get pushed to the side and forgotten. But what we don't realize is that they just don't go away... they build up on that sideline where we push them to get on with our day. If we are so determined to do something and not think about what we're feeling we're not doing ourselves any favors.

To be honest with you all, I'm feeling like I don't have my own space and it's debillitating to me. I am in the living room with everyone around me all of the time, people talking to me when I'm trying to concentrate and it's a new thing to cope with. In our old house I did have my own space. Well, perhaps that's something I need to work on. I need to spend more time on what I need that's for sure!

That expression is me today. I'm feeling that way, whatever "that way" is. I'm thinking about the people I've been writing to and worrying about them because I know how easy it is to give up on the things you need to do to feel better about yourself. It has to be a commitment to your self. I don't get the feeling of commitment from them. They're not ready for it yet. They will be someday, but until then I'm sorry they'll be miserable. That's the hard part of helping others. You can't make anyone do what you know they need to do. You have to wait until they see it.

So today I'm going to concentrate on what I'm feeling. No matter what else happens, I'm going to figure it out and do something about it. I'm going to process my feelings and emotions completely today and pay attention to what I need.

What's really important to you?

2009-08-03T17:25:00.004-04:00

I got to thinking about what's really important to me every day. What do I think about first thing when I wake up in the morning and throughout my day? I never got to drink that cup of joe this morning because I had to get to the doctor's office to see about the pain in my side. Sure enough, there's an upcoming surgery, but that's not what I was thinking about. I had been listening to the news before I left and I heard something on the Today show about a serviceman who served over in the middle east who was finally found after being missing for 18 years. Geez o pete! Eighteen years of waking up in the morning to the fact that your loved one was missing. That's IMPORTANT stuff! I have a feeling that since that young man once left his home to go fight for his country that it means he was fighting for you and me and all Americans and we need to share in the concern that his family was having. We need to support the families of our service men and women. They are entities labeled "AMERICANS" and are putting their lives on the line for all of us.

I think too soon we forget about 9/11. I think we aren't praying enough for those serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. They need our prayers more than ever because the fighting in Afghanistan is escalating to fight the Taliban the ones that brought all that grief and pain to American back then - 9/11. We need to get loyal to this country and stand behind those serving.

I have met a few of these guys because they have visited my network of sites and sent me emails. I keep up with a few of them and when I see the difficulties they have when they come home for a break, I just can't believe it. There are women keeping the sons and daughters away from their fathers who have just a few weeks of break before going back overseas. I just can't believe that stuff has to happen. It happens in everyday life, but when these guys keep it together for a little boy or girl waiting at home and then they get home and aren't allowed to see the kids because of pettiness... it stinks. I just watched one guy suffer like that and it's just not fair.

Mothers and fathers need to see what they're doing to their kids when they keep them from seeing their parents. There are some cases where abuse is involved that I can understand but for the most part it's just power plays and pettiness. It hurts the kids more than anyone.

So this stuff is important to me and I do think about it from time to time throughout my day because I do have some visitors in the military. I watch the news and keep track through articles about post traumatic stress disorder and depression for my anxieties 101 website because our military is being inundated with mental illness and the government still sends them out to fight. I worry about the families developing PTSD and depression living in fear of losing their loved ones fighting overseas.

Some other things I think about daily are the elderly and how important it is for our youngsters to have elderly people in their lives. It's not like it used to be when kids got to know their grandparents. Today people live so far away from their families of origin that kids just don't get to be around elderly and this causes them to be fearful of old people. Sometimes when fear is present then negativities can follow - where young people give old people disrespectful attitudes and may cause them difficulties. That's really wrong. I see it from time to time. My daughter's friend told me last night that she loves old people and I just loved that comment and told her so. I"m so glad that she's keeping up with her older relatives and their friends and talking to various old people that she meets up with during her day.

I guess it's just people being nice to people and having respect for each other that concerns me. My oldest daughter isn't being very respectful with her mother, not even opening my e-mail I sent her. My youngest daughter texted her to ask her if she was going to read my email and she said, "probably not." That's so sad. Someone loves her very much, her mother, and there are so many girls out there with no mothers that would like a mother, and she just disregards me. I could understand if I had done something bad to her, but I haven't. She's just out of control. Oh well. The saga continues.

What's important to you everyday? What do you think about? Are you consumed with what's going on with you personally or are you thinking about other issues? I'm interested in what you're interested in... write me and let me know! emotionalfeelings101@hotmail.com or leave a comment!

Working on Parenting Teens website!

2009-08-02T17:24:00.004-04:00

Parenting takes up a large part of my time. One thing I've found is that once you give birth, parenting never ends. Just because your child is over eighteen and moved out of the house doesn't mean diddly-squat! You give birth, you raise them up and then you send them out to the world and you blow out a wish on the brightest star of the night and hope that they fare well, but you're still on the phone parenting them, soothing their fears, eternal listening, and worrrying about them even though they're not children anymore - they're adults.

It's been interesting for me to read and study what researchers have discovered about emotions and feelings within teens minds and hearts since I was a teenager. I wasn't allowed to have emotions and feelings. It was just the way things were for me. Our family was always, "fine." It was a big fat lie when we said we were all "fine." We were as dysfunctional as anyone ever could be. So as I read about teens committing suicide, cutting, mutilating their bodies and such because of the emotional pain they're in, I have to sigh... a long sigh... because now it's a well known fact that teens are in pain; when back when I was a teen, everything was just "fine."

When teens are not happy they are going to act out. They don't feel safe enough to come to their parents and say, "Hey, I'm miserable and I'm not sure why." or even, "I am not sure if you and dad love me or not." which was my biggest fear. I thought I was unlovable. We had no, "I love yous." from my parents, no hugs, no kisses, no bonds of affection whatsoever. We had celebrations for rites of passage, but that's it.

Last night my fifteen old daughter lost her cell phone. It cost over 300 dollars, "My Bad!" and I went down to the bowling alley to file a police report and confront the girls that we thought took the phone. No one could really do anything about it. They had the phone but the police couldn't search their persons over it. We didn't see it on the girls, we heard them when they accidently opened the phone and the rent-a-cop at the bowling alley was searching their stuff. How frustrating that people are so easy to steal things like that. Today she asked me if I was mad at her for losing her phone. I had to say no. It's my fault. Thank God I had the foresight to purchase insurance on the phone so we can get a new one. That would have been incredibly stupid of me not to have purchased that. But at least my daughter felt comfortable enough to call me when she lost it instead of trying to hide it. She also cared enough to ask if I was mad at her about losing the phone.

I had to tell her that I hoped it was a good lesson learned. You can't just set down something as valuable as that - it has to be in your pocket or in your purse at all times. Things get stolen and if our damned culture or society as a whole wasn't so crime ridden - someone would have returned the phone when they found it.

I just hope that if one parent reads this they get the message that it's okay to tell your kids that they messed up without crucifying them over it. She is paying for it by not having a phone for awhile and also by learning a valuable lesson about people. Those girls that took the phone were just evil. They looked at me square in the eye and said they didn't take it. But they did. The cops didn't care about the theft, they had bigger fish to fry, but I needed a police report to get a new one. Kids need to be able to trust their parents are on their side. My kids know that.

If only my adult kids knew that, right? It's the thirty-one year old that gives me the most grief. If you just could make them see how wonderful life can be without drama. She's the queen of drama. Oh well... check out the new site, parenting teens 101 - it's got some great information. I'm going to keep it open while I finish it up because there's good info there already to read. I haven't written any personal articles yet there, but after I fill up all the pages and get the links in place I will!

Teenagers... they can be amazing and they can be devastating. It's just how you look at things in the moment. Just love them, hug them, kiss them, tell them how wonderful they are and be civil and respectful towards them. They'll love you so much more for that!

August first... Summer's halfway over

2009-08-01T15:55:00.003-04:00

I always think of summer as July and August; so to me... summer is halfway over. My daughter ignored my e-mail. I don't want you to think I'm obsessing on her or anything. She's really got her game on. It hurts and I won't pretend that it doesn't. I never did anything wrong either. All that happened was, well, nevermind... I just repeated something she told me and she didn't ask me to keep it a secret. I was supposed to have read her mind. She forgot she told me. She was in a black out from drinking. That's the only time she would have told me something like she thought she was getting a proposal on Valentine's Day. She's been guarded with me for years. I never know what is the truth when she talks to me because she doesn't want to let me in all the way.

So I haven't been swimming enough. I need to get out to the lake and swim more. I love going to the lake to swim, don't you? It's so breezy and the sun is on you and it's just refreshing even if the water is a bit cold. Once in a while a fish will swim by and it makes me smile. "Hello little fish! Sharing your home with me are you?" And I love to dig in the sand and make some sort of sandcastle or sand art. It's so much fun and it's like letting your inner child out to play for awhile. It is letting your inner child out to play for awhile and it's great. It's so relaxing.

I love to people watch at the lake. It's interesting to see people interacting with nature. Everyone feels differently about it. In Dayton, Ohio we've had the second coolest July since they began keeping records on that sort of thing. Our average temperature for July was 69.6! Amazing! I've loved it. I've never been one for stifling hot weather. Humidity will drain you so quickly!

The summer brings out the teenager in me actually. I used to love the summer, going to the beach in New Hampshire, mountain climbing all over New England, camping, going to Lake Winnepausaukee. I tried so hard to learn how to water ski. I just lost the bottom of my bikini most of the time. I was in a constant fight with my body to be more fit and more strong. It took everything within me to climb some of those mountains. The teenager still in me in the summertime is part of my authentic self. How about you? Ever feel like that?

I'm looking forward to getting my second comment sometime here at the blog. I received one comment and one e-mail because the comment process was difficult to navigate. You can always email me at emotionalfeelings101@hotmail.com instead of leaving a comment. I'll be going to the doctor on Monday and I'm going to have to get this hernia worked on because I've been in steady pain since last week. Crap. I hate operations. The pain is just so intense.

Well, I'm recognizing August first without recognizing that it is my ex-husband's birthday. Don't you wish you could forget facts like that. For some reason they stay in your mind and piss you off when you can't forget them. Well happy birthday to him. He's five years older than I am so I guess I get to laugh at that.

What are you going to do for the rest of the summer? Tell me. I'd like to hear someone else ramble for once!

See you tomorrow!

2009-07-31T11:41:00.005-04:00

Last day of July... I've got to toughen up I just told myself so I emailed my daughter and told her I missed her and I love her and that I'm coming in September to visit her. Foresight, intuition, whatever you want to call it made me decide upon September instead of August and now I have this hernia to take care of. So I don't have to cancel on her, I can get the hernia taken care of and make it when I told her. I told her that I'd like to have dinner with her and if she didn't want to she'd have to tell me to my face because I was coming no matter what.

I posted a picture of her... it's one of my favorites with my youngest son, Preston. Instead of sitting around pining and not going anywhere with our relationship, I had to tell her. So I'm nervous as to how I'll be received but I think it's better to start trying to at least make some attempts to let her know how I feel about her.

Here's another picture of her with my youngest daughter. They look like twins although there's 16 years difference between the two of them.

It really bothers me when I feel weak and disabled. I'm not going to let myself go there. Today, although I can't bend very well at the waist, I'm going to go on with my day and be fine. I am just going to do it. I can handle this pain. After all, I live with pain everyday with my leg. I've had a bad leg for six years after breaking it and it wouldn't heal correctly. I had to spend almost two years in a wheel chair and had five operations on the darn thing, but it never has come back to how it was before I broke it.

If you're a regular visitor to my sites I have to tell you that they're switching web building tools and I'm not sure how it's going to work, but I have to transfer all the sites over to this new tool. It's supposed to begin sometime today, so we'll see how it goes. If something looks different about the sites, this is why. It will be a challenge but I'm ready. I've known about a month about it.

Well, no e-mail back from her yet! That's good I guess. Love to you all for a good weekend and come back soon, but leave me a comment! I love hearing what you think!

2009-07-30T20:44:00.003-04:00

So it's another day. How are you all today? I was just wondering what else could happen in my life. I've had a hernia for years. It rarely bothered me. Recently it got a bit touchy. It seems to have gotten really worse because now it's hurting me quite a bit all of the time. After yesterday I was thinking... "What else could happen?" HA!

I'm obsessed with thoughts of Michelle. I can't help it. I applied to get a ticket for an audition for the Millionaire show in September. That means I am going to NYC in September instead of August. It's okay. I have things to do before I go. I need to figure out what I'm going to say to her. I think I need to send her an e-mail first. Then maybe I'll send her some of the gifts I've had laying around her for her that I made for her. Then I'm not sure if I'll surprise her or not. I think she'll be mean to me about telling her that I'm visiting because last time I cancelled on her and she was really mad at me. So... I'll just surprise her.

I hope I get that audition. I really want to be on the show. I'd love to try to win some money. So my hernia is hurting and I'm not moving around very well. I'm really not in a very good mood, but that's okay. I'm sitting with it. I made pancakes for my son for dinner and I ate some and now my stomach hurts. They didn't agree with me. I'm going to leave you all now. I think it's better that way - for both of us. Say a prayer for me will ya? I miss my daughter so much.

I'm Heartbroken

2009-07-29T12:29:00.004-04:00

So I'm minding my own business last night, trying to decide whether or not to go fishing up north with my husband all night and my daughter blurts out this story while I'm talking to her on her cell phone while she walks home from the gym. I'm pissed off because I've already sent my 17 year old son to meet her, but they're not getting along. So he goes one way and she goes another way and he gets into the house first and starts telling me how much she aggravates him while she is telling me about an incident about a week ago when her brother punched her in the mouth. This instantly breaks my heart. I panic inside. Instantly the adrenaline is flowing. Anyone who knows my story knows that I have lived my entire life until the past fifteen years in domestic violence relationships.

It's been a multi-generational thing. My head is spinning as I listen to her. I ask her why she hasn't told me sooner, like when it happened. She said I was asleep and then she said, "I didn't think you'd believe me." Heartbreak. What is that about? The reason I left my life behind in Michigan was so that my kids wouldn't be exposed to violence any longer. I just couldn't imagine my own son being an abuser. He knows why we're not with his father. He understands that men just can't hit women. Now this has happened and it's overwhelmingly difficult to take in for me.

I've been feeling physically ill from this. My head hurts and my stomach is upset and I'm exhausted from thinking about what to do. Finally I had to wake up and just talk to him because avoiding it wasn't an option. This was a topic I have no difficulty confronting. I will never avoid abuse. I avoided it for years and years. I learned my lesson. I didn't know it was wrong, I thought it was how everyone lived.

So I talked to my son and he denied it. I asked him to let me finish talking before he said anything but he couldn't. I think he did it after talking to him but I can't quite put my finger on why. I told him that if his sister had called the police about him hitting her he could have gone to jail. He didn't like seeing me cry because I was visably shaking and crying while I was talking to him. This can't ever happen again I told him because I will take you to the police if it does. I think he believes me.

He went to his room and didn't say anything to me, but he wanted a hug when I stopped talking to him. He wanted me to stop talking and calm down. I told him that no matter what I still loved him. I will always love my kids no matter what happens. It's been a rough twenty four hours.

Intervention of pain

2009-07-28T11:37:00.005-04:00

I was watching Intervention last night, have you ever watched it before? It's a show that reveals the lives of addicted people who are so dangerously close to killing themselves with their addiction that their family and friends ask for an Intervention. An intervention is given to the person who is so seriously addicted. During the Intervention, the family and friends of the addicted person have written letters to tell their loved one how much they love them and miss the person they were before the addiction.

There was a woman who was alcohol addicted on the show last night. I've seen her Intervention before, but because she is studying to be an alcohol and drug counselor as a result of her Intervention; they made a new documentary on her. This one was so much better. It was better because it showed the level of pain she was enduring. The level or intensity of pain she was experiencing was because she had lost so much control of her habit that she had lost her four kids to her exhusband. This tore her apart.

I knew that pain or I know that pain. I understand it. I've been there with my son and I didn't lose custody - I gave it up to save my son from having to go through the trial and the judge asking him questions and all. I just didn't want him to be traumatized and now I wish I had taken the trial to the nth degree. I see how he was raised by his father and step mother and now my son is an alcoholic. I hate it. They let him drink when he was in high school. It's so sad. Now my son is a bartender and when he's not working, he's drinking.

He tried to tell me that he had stopped drinking as much, but everything he does revolves around that bar he works at. It drives me crazy. But back to the point of all of this. The pain this woman was feeling drove her to drink. My pain drives me to eat. That's part of it, but the rest of the traumatic experiences brought me to mental illness because I couldn't cope with the pain. It was too traumatic for me to handle. I think that it's why so many people with mental illnesses can follow twelve step programs to get well.

Intervention is on the A&E channel on Monday nights. My favorite show, Paranormal State comes on after it. But they did an Intervention on a man with OCD and then soon after they started the show, Obsessed. I've talked about this before. Obsessed has some of the best counselors or therapists I've ever seen. It's a total show dealing with people who have OCD and anxiety disorders that are going through treatment. It's very interesting.

I think about all of the emotions and feelings these people are experiencing, but no one ever talks about it. They deal strictly with the anxiety, and the disorder but don't mention that emotions and feelings are tied to these illnesses. There's a base experience or trauma that has changed these people in their past and the emotions and feelings revolving that trauma have been buried. I want to see that part come out. I want to see them working with those hidden or buried emotions and feelings to show people how to dig them up and process them.

Well, maybe someday... It's a good thing to come out of your comfort zone and watch what other people are going through. It helps to dissolve the stigma associated with mental illnesses, addictions and as my favorite show encapsulates - paranormal activity. There are people with gifts that most of us would rather just ignore. How we treat these people is of utmost importance. The stigma revolving around them is horrid. People laugh and make fun of kids who have this gift of contacting the dead and healing and such. I wish people would be more open. There are so many problems out there in the world to deal with and how can we help the world to be a better place if we don't open up and accept people for who they are.

That's all today...1

Deep Stuff

2009-07-27T09:12:00.004-04:00

How come I'm feeling so out of whack? Is it because I've revealed myself to you all by admitting I'm not perfect with the house cleaning? Naw... I'm not that silly; besides I was serious about asking for help. Just click on the comment word and send me some help will ya? Since I had the grandkids all weekend the house is just begging me to get to work and here I sit - with all of you!

I did have a wonderful weekend watching the grandkids. They are so adorable. I just am so happy that I get to be the one who watches them when mommy and daddy are gone away. It makes my heart sit, peacefully, to not worry about who is watching them and what they're doing with them or how they're treating them should it be someone else babysitting. I don't even really think we're babysitting. We're just enjoying them. Our whole house turns into a playground with tea parties and forts and magic castles. We all get into it, my husband, my teens and me - the kids are really just magical.

They make me tired though and the mess to clean up afterwards... it's worth it, but daunting. I am missing my son in Michigan who we went to visit and while I follow his posts on facebook, it's just not the same as being a part of his life. I'm not okay with us living so far apart. The same goes for my daughter Michelle. Being a mother is so damned hard.

I could call her or write to her and apologize and take the heat for something that isn't my fault just so I can be in her life, but what good is that? What has she learned? She may not learn anything anyway as she continues to be in denial, but what is my job as a mother as far as trying to parent her and lead her to the truth? She's thirty-one years old, but she is my first born. How many parents are out there with their hearts ripping in half because their child or children want to hate them. They blame and attack and they don't realize what the truth is. Everyone has bad things happen to them.

It just happens. Some of the worst things that have happened to my oldest daughter happened while she was living with her father, but he's excused because she had always been a daddy's girl. I feel like I'm in the most beautiful waters of the most beautiful ocean in the world, swimming, feeling the water, my favorite thing in the world and yet my view is obscurred, the water isn't clear... I can't find my way. How do I cope with this heartbreak? She is getting married and I'm barred from it. She wants me to hurt and that I am, but who is benefitting? She's not. She's missing the part where you share all of the wedding memories with your mother.

This is life. Such happiness, such grief and such heartache sitting right next to such heartwarming. It's so crazy, ambivalent, ambiguous, happy, sad, grievous, hot, cold, argh!#$%#$^%&

No one ever tells you that being a mom is like this, especially when your kids grow up and they're adults and they have their own lives. No one tells you that you're going to hurt like this your whole life, not just until they're eighteen and out on their own. No one tells you how hard it is to be a parent emotionally. They just assume that it's all happiness. It's not. It is very difficult.

I'm going to go to New York City and visit her. She may reject me, but that's okay too. I need to visit her and get this thing settled once and for all. She just doesn't know that she is the one who is going to be hurting in the long run. As for my son, I just have to sit back and watch him from afar. He's loving, caring and wonderful, but he's also the victim of parental alienation just as I am so all I can do is watch and be gentle with him. He's a big man now but has such little boy feelings.

Well... as for me, I've been loading the dishwasher as I write this blog today. Get a cup of coffee, load a few more things, and put away some other things, sit back down and cry a little while typing and then blow my nose and then type some more. It's a painful Monday for some reason. I want to pull my authentic self out and do some dancing in my underwear, but I don't think I have the energy this morning!

Til tomorrow!

How Do People Manage To Make Their Houses Look Clean All of the Time?

2009-07-26T12:31:00.003-04:00

I want to show you a picture. Now I don't smoke anymore - which this woman is doing but you can't see it very well; but I could smoke again because I am so crazy about trying to get my house clean and stay clean. This picture was the front of a card my daughter got me for my birthday one year. This picture could be me. It could very well be me drinking a cup of coffee and telling myself to forget it because I just can't keep up with everyone. I need help folks. I run around and pick up the house and it never ends. I have things that don't have any homes because all the homes are taken up and I just don't know what to do with the stuff. My pictures get crooked by someone just looking at them and the dust and fingerprints everywhere will drive me nuts because I can't ever have the house all clean at the same time.

Clutter, clutter and more clutter. How do you teach a grown man that the kitchen counter isn't the trash can and the other live-in catastrophe makers, the teenagers. Everyone takes off clothes and just drops them, I can pick up my own mess, but keeping up with everyone else ... it seems impossible to me.

I open the refrigerator and the cute one gallon lemonade dispenser I got is empty. There are half eaten bowls and plates covered with plastic stacked up. There are left overs in the microwave, (hidden) but no one ever goes back to eat them. The trash is always overflowing. No one will put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and the sink gets piled high with dirty dishes, leftover food, things to be thrown away in a heartbeat if I don't keep up with it all.

How do you do it women who have clean - spotless - homes and everything looks perfect? How do you get everyone in your house to do what they're supposed to do? I would be happy if I didn't have to make a trash run off the kitchen counter every time I walk into the kitchen. They all think the trash can is the counter or the sink. Heck, I've seen trash in the refrigerator sometimes. They'll wrap it with plastic wrap and make it look like it has food in it, just so they don't have to empty the trash to throw it away.

I'm begging for help! Please send me some tools, I just moved into a beautiful new home and furnished and decorated it and want it to look as nice as I intended it to look. I just can't keep up with it all. Teenagers, grandkids toys, my husband's fishing stuff and if you look around his chair in the living room, you'll see more trash, junk mail and fingernail clippings, popsicle sticks, empty pop and water bottles, you name it - it's hiding or just thrown somewhere it's not supposed to be.

What about you crafty ladies out there? What do you do with all of your craft stuff? I don't have enough room for mine! I don't want to throw it out, I love doing crafts, but where do I put all of my supplies? I know someone else out there is stuck with a small house and needs to get creative with their life's blood. Artists, writers, I do that too - how do I keep up with it all and where do you actually perform your crafting so that you can leave it out to dry or to finish the next day?

Now that I've put it out there I'm hoping some good ideas will come my way before I'm completely buried myself in all the stuff that keeps getting thrown around. Help me out will ya?

If One Person Could Help Ten People ....

2009-07-25T14:50:00.002-04:00

If one person could help ten people then ten people helped ten people each and so on ... imagine how many people would be connected.

This is the way I have been thinking for seven years. If in seven years I helped just one person a week - that would be 364 people I would have helped. If I had asked the one person I helped each week to help 1 person a week that would be an incredible number of people connected through helping each other selflessly. Amazing and amazingly good for all. I'd like you all, if you've reached this blog through my network of sites to know that this has been an unwritten goal for me. I made a commitment to myself that I would keep up these websites no matter what happened as my contribution to people helping people. Through helping others I have learned so much about human nature and about myself. Things I've learned I couldn't have read a book to learn. These things come from love and abiding faith in people.

We all know what a family tree is, where you put the head of the family at the trunk of the tree and then from there build the tree up through it's tiniest branches with family members from old to new - I once made a picture of a tree of life and I think now that this is what helping people is about. It's like growing trees of life with people helping others. Sometimes it takes five minutes to listen to someone who is in need and other times it take years of listening and then sometimes suffering over someone who has ended their life that you tried to help, but something is learned from every instance. It's all happened like this for me beginning seven years ago. If just one person is helped in my day - I've completed my mission for the day. It's not hard to look at my stats on my network of sites and then see that one hundred people visited one website and I think about helping one hundred people in one day... it's amazing.

I just want you all to know that what I write helps me too. If someone writes to me and has problems I go to work and try to find out as much as I can about the problems they're having and I try to send answers - as many as I can to help that person. So even if I haven't experienced that problem yet in my life, I've helped someone with it and it has expanded my breadth of knowledge. I'm just so happy helping others. If you only knew how happy it makes me to work on these things.

Some days it's difficult to work on the sites, I just don't feel like it and I've learned to take a break from time to time, but I never stop looking for comments and e-mails because I know what it's like to be alone and not have anyone to talk to about my problems. Sometimes you just feel like you have bothered your friends and family with your problems too many times and you just need someone to vent to - that's me! I want to be that person for you. It's confidential. I don't tell anyone that I've talked to you about your problems. I might say that one time I talked to a person who had such and such a problem without mentioning names or any info about a person - but that's it. I just need to let you all know that this is part of my life and I take it seriously.

When I tell you that I care and you can write to me and tell me anything - I mean it. I expect it. I want to hear from you because it's just what I was meant to do!!!

I will always advocate to those who are unhappy in their lives to start helping other people. The reason for it is that it makes you happy and fulfilled to help others. So it's an easy fix for those who are unhappy to start thinking about someone else who needs help and you can pull yourself out of whatever funk you're in because you're doing something that positive and something you can feel good about and be proud of. You can tell people, I help others on such and such a day and it feels so good. That might make that person think, "Maybe I could do that because I can teach people to read or because I know how to crochet or knit and people need to learn how to do something using their hands sometimes."

Just small little things that you think don't mean a think can be huge for someone else. Take some time in your day to go through your house and find things you don't need. Have a small yard sale - just a small one and whatever money you make - donate it to a women's shelter and the things that are left over take to Goodwill or to the shelter because people are always trying to set up housekeeping and can use whatever may be available. It could happen to anyone - through a fire, through a natural disaster, through a divorce, through domestic violence, through a flood - you just never know what people will need because we never know what will happen to them.

If you don't believe me give it a try for one month. Commit to doing some kind of service work for one month and start a journal. Be truthful about how you feel after doing your work. Be open, aware and mindful of how you feel. Just reading back your thoughts will prove to you that it makes a huge difference in your life to help others. Besides helping others makes you a good role model and causes other people to want to help others.

There's my stand on helping others and why I have my network - the emotional feelings network of sites!

Remembering Who I Really Am is Soooo Fun!

2009-07-23T14:27:00.003-04:00

I've been talking to some high school friends on my Facebook. I can actually be who I am there. It's so nice. It's so fun. I love it. I really am having fun talking to some of those oldtime friends who I haven't seen in a few years. I believe the 20th year I went and had so much fun. I just loved seeing everyone and believe it or not, people were glad to see me. It was a long drive there - to New Hampshire from Dayton, Ohio - but it was so fun. I had just met my husband and we weren't married yet. We were still having fun all of the time and it was just a great time.

So next year, in August there will be the 35th reunion! Dang it! Thirty five years since high school! But I feel like I'm still eighteen talking to the friends from home and flirting with guys that wished that they had gone out with me back then. I really can't believe it. I was kinda cute back then, never pretty, just cute. I was friends with everyone. There wasn't a single person that I wasn't a friend to. I even felt a need to be friends with kids that weren't popular and I can remember staying overnight at a few of their houses to just spend time with them in hopes of making them feel okay with life.

I was so naive back then. I carried that naivety with me for many of my early adult years. I didn't even know that there was welfare until I had almost turned forty. No lie! I was very naive.

Anyway, it has put me in a good mood and I'm so excited that there's going to be a reason to go to New England. I love New England and having grown up just about 40 miles away from Boston, which is my favorite city I always am happy when I have reason to go there. My father still lives in New England and I'll have a double reason to go - to see him - but only maybe. I almost would rather keep my memories of what he used to be like instead of going to see him with Altzheimer's. He might not remember me, although that doesn't matter, I just don't think I could reconcile our differences thinking about him the way he is. I already have issues with it.

He believes that he and his family were abducted by aliens when he was three years old! Oh well... and he was a genius. He built bombs, missiles and radar his whole life at Raytheon and he did so many things for this country. Oh well... he was a genius with some things and with affairs of the heart he was as dumb as they come. I've never been a blamer - blaming my parents for what I turned out to be - but I have difficulties with what my father has done to me. I still love him, but I just have difficulty interacting with him.

But nothing can dampen my mood today, including my husband who refuses to stop talking to me the entire time I'm typing. Hahaha some days are like this. He gets jealous of the time I spend working on the computer and he tries to "butt in." I'm used to it. If I get off the computer so I can sit and talk to him, he gets on the computer to play Mah Jongg. Hahaha, it's just the way the cookie crumbles!

I like remembering and being that fun person who loves to chit chat and talk about anything - all conversations welcome when it comes to sitting next to me. I just love having a sense of humor and smiling and laughing with people. I so like joking and being witty. I'm not like that anymore with my family. They all drive me nuts. The kids sometimes get to see my authentic self when I'm having a good day, but mostly by the end of the day they've aggravated me with their selfishness or whatever and I just can't be light hearted and happy. I'm determined to stay sane then.

So my goal is to begin being more like my authentic self. I need to be and I'll be so happy more often. It will be interesting to see how everyone reacts to me. I'm thinking of going to New York City to see my oldest daughter. She hasn't talked to me since the end of January. Enough is enough. I'm going to go there and talk to her. She can't avoid me if I am standing there in front of her. I'm going to have to plan something fun like when she was little and I used to have clowns go to her classroom on her birthday or I'd rent ponies for the party for all the kids to ride. I need to make her feel special to me because obviously she doesn't feel that way. It's all I can do.

I hope everyone who reads this post will take a few minutes out of your busy day to grasp your authentic self and just act like you used to for a few minutes. It feels sooooo good!

My Stumbling Block

2009-07-22T10:21:00.003-04:00

I've written about it many times before throughout my network of sites - my self fullfilling prophecy set up by my father. When I was seventeen and wanted to start filling out applications for college (thirty-five years ago) and I asked my father -

he laughed hysterically in my face. He looked at me in the eye and told me to go find a man and get married and have kids because that's what women were supposed to do. He told me I'd never be successful at anything I tried to do.

So my entire adult life this little voice in my head tells me this over and over and guess what?

I allow it to be true by not forgetting about what he said and just going about my business to do the things that would make me successful. I let that voice in my head rule me instead of ignoring it.

I've wanted to get some books published, and I've tried to a point and then if I get just a few rejections - I give up. I know in my head and my heart that this is how it goes and it takes time to find someone to publish your work, but I alllow that little voice inside of me to rule me and I give up. It's frustrating, it's defeating, it's shaming and I hate it.

Today I started reading articles to put into my websites, in my new attempt to be organized, and guess what...the first article is about this very subject. I'd like to share it with you just in case you have the same problem I have.

The Inner Critic Kidnaps The Artist Soul

by Valery Satterwhite, The Official Guide to Empowerment

“Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss what insults your Soul.”

Walt Whitman

For many artists, challenges are very personal. And one of the biggest challenges is the Critic in the room, the Inner Critic. This gnarly Inner Critic is the voice of your self-doubt and fear. It is the emotional ties that bind you, hold you back, keep you stuck, limit you in what you think is possible for you as an artist.

This Inner Critic will critique and beat you up more than any audience or perceived expert ever will. If allowed, this Inner Critic will suck the life force right out of you.

“Being true to yourself is what feeds creativity, not self-doubt and criticism.”

Diane Arenberg

Why? Because it is a very frightened little creature. It acts nasty as a defense mechanism. What it really wants to do is crawl under a bankie with a sippy cup where it’s safe; where no one will bother him.There are many ‘not safe’ zones for the Inner Critic.

Here are a three:

1. Starting big project that you have never done before. (What if I fail?)

2. Having a bigger presence in the public eye than it has now. (It’s only a matter of time before they find out I’m not really that good.)

3. Rejection. (If they reject my art, then they reject me, and I will cease to be relevant - or even exist.)

Fear that you’re not being, or won’t be, acknowledged as an artist will hold you back. Fear that you’re not good enough compared with other artists will choke your expression. This fear may lead to anger, bitterness and even depression. Since you’re art is an expression of you, this fearful held-back state of beingness will be reflected in your art.

There is a vast difference between deliberately illustrating and expressing pain, desperation, and other negative emotions and holding yourself back in your artistic expression as a result of pain, desperation and other negative emotions.Here are some acronyms for the word FEAR (F.E.A.R.):Finding Excuses And Reasons- Are you procrastinating?

False Evidence Appearing Real - Are you blaming other people or circumstances for being stuck your lack of success?

False Emotions Appearing Real - Are you beating up on yourself for not being ‘good’ enough? Here’s a clue: If you’re feeling ‘down’ then there’s a good chance you’re beating up on yourself.And my personal favorite (drum roll please)...

*@#k Everything And Run- Are you thinking about quitting, giving up on your pursuits as an artist?You can deny your dreams but the outcome will be quiet desperation. The desperation becomes the safe comfort zone.

Your Inner Critic will fight hard to keep you where it feels safe. You may not like the desperate comfort zone that you find yourself in but it’s what you know. Safe. No surprises.

“To see far is one thing. Going there is another.”

Brancusi

If you find that you are in a state of FEAR there is a little trick you can apply to help you crawl out of that dark hole. You can ask yourself the following two questions:

1. What am I getting out of staying in this state? You don’t do anything unless you get something out of it. What is staying right where you are in your artistic process allowing you to do?

2. Who would I be; what would I do; what would I have without this fear? Use your imagination to visualize that life. Run with it! Breathe it in. The only thing standing between you and want you want to create for your art and your life experience is you. It’s time to get out of your own way. Or, head down to Walmart and get yourself a nice blankie and sippy cup. Get several. You’ll be snuggled in, warm and comfy, for a long time.

“Remember, with every doubt comes a hitch in the natural flow of being.”

Ian Factor

Author's Bio As your Inner Wizard Empowerment Mentor and Guide it is my mission to help you understand that you are much more than the sum of your parts. You are not your body, your painting, your last audition, your last book, your last performance. You are not your finances, your relationship status or your level of success. Often times a person who has lived life guided by their Inner Critic comes to the powerful realization that they are not what they have been identifying with. Then the struggle begins. When you have no idea who you are you will have such conflict within yourself it is almost impossible to truly succeed, grow and be healthy. Your Inner Wizard is the voice of your truth, your intuition, your passion, your Muse. That is why I have partnered with the most powerful tool to digs below the parts of identification to reveal true/authentic nature. Once you know and understand who the "I" in "I am" is you can begin to show up in life present, self-aware and expressing your authentic selves in all areas of your life. You can truly BE BIG and Live Out Loud! http://www.innerwizard.com/core-map

This article tells it like it really is without beating around the bush. It's time that I start doing what I need to do to fulfill myself and forget about what my father said to me that day so long ago. I'm not sure what makes it so difficult to disregard his words and attitude toward me, but I need to just block it out.

Is there something like this in your life that keeps you from being the person you know you can be? It's so painful, isn't it?

So that's my place of thought today. Don't let your inner critic keep you down!

Making Positive Connections

2009-07-21T12:58:00.004-04:00

In response to yesterday's post - I decided to only make positive connections and everyday make a new positive connection. I was blessed with my fist comment yesterday and it was from a positive person which was a double blessing! Thank you so much. I was reading some articles today to put into my network of websites and I ran into some articles that came from authors who were a part of http://www.intent.com/ . After making the decision to make positive connections I felt the urge to go check out the intent.com group.

It's a lovely positive wonderful support group for those of us who do want to make positive choices and changes in our life. So day one in my goal to make one daily positive connection - Completion!!!! I feel like I'm watching Little Einsteins!

I've also shared this positive connection with you and I'm so happy to have found it. I hope you go there. Another positive move I made was to make an inquiry as to the status of a young man's wish to write a book about his life. He's remarkable and his story is worth telling. We had discussed me writing the book for him before, but I never pursued it - POSITIVELY! So I sent him a message on his facebook and he's still interested! This makes me happy! It's positive and it's happy! I get double bonus points for today!

Making positive connections makes me feel so good. I'm hoping that those of you who are trying to deal with a negative numbskull in your lives will take to making one positive connection a day as well to make your days happier and full of positive life! We need to support one another in this venture. I've been trying to get organized, I think I mentioned this before, but I was having difficulty getting it together.

Yesterday, the day before and today I've been following the same routine. Now I need to add my exercise routine to my morning and I'm complete! I've been opening my mail, leaving the tab open on two of them I check regularly, then my facebook to see what's happening with my peeps, then my Newsvine to see if any comments have come up on my articles, then onto my selfgrowth.com site and I read some articles and place the ones I need to on my websites, I rate the articles and today I wrote an article. These actions add up to points on that site that I can use later on for publicity.

I re-check my mail, facebook, and Newsvine and then I come here to work on my blog. Today I joined intent.com before I made it here. Then inbetween these little chores, I go to my kitchen and clean one thing while I'm working so that when I'm done the kitchen is shining and I can go on to the next housework chore. Yeah! This is really making me happy! Thank God for small accomplishments!

Yesterday I accomplished an important task. I got my biography done for the examiner.com I'll be writing for and chose a picture of me to send as well. That was driving me crazy for three days. I don't know why I get so triggered with my PTSD that I use avoidance behavior when it comes to talking about myself or sending someone a picture of me. Perhaps it's because I've been down on myself for so long. Okay... I beat the urge to avoid yesterday and today so I've accomplished two whole days without avoidance. That is an accomplishment for me!

Thank you for that first comment again! You made my week!

How much negative energy surrounds you?

2009-07-20T13:00:00.004-04:00

I had to ask this. I wrote a column on Newsvine today (if you ever want to read my stuff there - http://kshowe91.newsvine.com/) about how people choose to perpetuate hateful energy and I openly asked those people on the Vine how they choose to spend their energy. I'm wondering because I've started to feel that the more negative energy I'm surrounded by - the harder it is for me to perpetuate positive and productive energy.

I'm borderline overwhelmed, borderline stuck and borderline making it. Hahahahaha sounds insane and perhaps that is the definition of insane to some, but I'm interested in energy. What kind of energy am I exuding? What kind of energy is surrounding me. I can tell you about some of it but not all of it. I'm wondering how I can change some of the negative energy that surrounds me into positive energy.

For this I think I need a pencil, paper and a plan. The three p's!!! I think I'll write down the names of those directly associated with me in my daily life and write down what kind of energy they exude towards me. Then I'll write down a plan to change those negative energies that surround me. I'm tired of being sucked up into negativity. I so fervently believe that those in my life who are deeply negative would rather be supremely positive if they knew how.

What's your thought on that point? Do people really like being negative? Sometimes I think so, but what if they got an education concerning how good positive and productive feels? What would they do if all they had was positive around them and they began to perpetuate loving kindness instead of hate and wrath? I would love that. I would love if all the negativity in my family would melt away and instead we were all close-knit and tied in positive connections.

I've been dwelling on the negativity in my life concerning my daughter and my son who both live so far away. Their negativities are affecting my teen kids as well. I'm going to try this experiment and see what happens. That's my thought for the day and I wonder what you think about it. Where do you spend your energy? What would you do if you wanted to change the energies that surround you? I'm really interested so let me know!

Isn't it ironic?

2009-07-18T15:41:00.007-04:00

Don't you think? Can you believe it? I volunteered - even applied to write for a publication as the Health and Happiness representative for Dayton, Ohio! What a dope I am! I hate Dayton, Ohio. People make jokes about these kinds of things. People laugh at people that do this kind of thing and they wonder what screw is loose in their brain. Dang... Isn't that ironic? Well I'll get paid for it at least. I'm going to have to find little gems of wonder, happiness, beauty, and be enthusiastic on paper anyway about Dayton, armpit of the USA, Ohio.

Okay...so maybe I needed it. I'll admit that hating the place that you live in is a little bit of a downer. It might have been a good move on my part, I just haven't thought of it that way yet. I dont' know if I can let myself think of it that way yet.

Let me ask you this. Maybe if you're reading today's post you'll find it in your heart to send me a comment. I'm starting to wonder why the 30 or so people who have visited here are wishing they never had or the 15 or so that have come back at least once - agree or disagree with anything I have to say. Feedback is good. I'd love to hear from someone - I'm kind of lonely lately. You've read about my scary life.

So I went fishing with my husband the other night at Dayton, Ohio's lake close to the Wright Patterson Air Force Base. I asked him if we could stay at the closest part to the road because when we go way to the back of the lake I'm so nervous the whole time we're there. Why am I nervous? I hate to be nervous when I go fishing because I really think that fishing is all about relaxing until you hook a fish and then it's a big gush of adrenaline and then you go back to relaxing again. But I'm nervous and anxious on the far side of the lake because I'm afraid someone will sneak up on us and shoot us in the back of the head, that's all.

How would I take a positive spin on that story for a health and happiness column? Hee hee!!!!

Anyway it's a Saturday. I had a disturbing dream about my oldest daughter's wedding last night. I busted in uninvited in a wheelchair to the wedding, crying my eyes out and screaming that no matter what she said about me it was a lie. Stupid dream. There were lots of jewish people there, but they were very orthodox and they turned Fred into a tiny frog. Then they gave the tiny frog to the boys in the group who dismembered him. I had to go outside in a puddle to collect the tiny pieces of him so that Seth, my daughter's fiance could put a magic spell on him to put him back together again.

In the end the joke was on me because my daughter had a huge cake that looked like something Dr. Suess cooked up with all kinds of props and layers and on the top it said, "The joke's on you Mom!" It was all different colors of pink. Murphy her dog was the ring bearer and he wore a white tux. I don't know where all this stuff comes from but they got married on Worth Avenue in Palm Beach. The celebration started with a parade of 20 baby elephants and (maybe I've seen one too many episodes of Alladin with my grand daughter) and dancers and singers and flag girls all in diamonds and precious stones.

I don't know what I ate before I went to bed.... let's see, oh! just popcorn. Couldn't have been that, but obviously my brain is working overtime on the fact that my oldest daughter is getting married and she's excluding me from her life. I just hate it. So my husband and I are going out to dinner at Outback Steakhouse tonight. I'll report on that later. We almost never go anywhere alone. When we went fishing the other night I got bit by about 50 sand fleas I think. My ankles and feet are coated with pink calamine lotion.

I'm rambling now so that's what's up with me today. Kathleen

I've Been Struggling

2009-07-17T11:41:00.002-04:00

Okay... I've been slacking here but I know it. I don't want to say I'm avoiding posting because I'm not really doing that - I'm just overwhelmed. What happens when we all get overwhelmed? We stop... shut down... just like any appliance we own that we're using non-stop ... we overload and need a rest.

Why am I overwhelmed? Emotions. Feelings. Too many to process and I'm overwhelmed with it all. I had a talk with my teenage daughter about her rude behavior towards me on the weekend when we went away and we both ended up crying our eyes out. We miss our loved ones who apparently do fine without us in their everyday lives. How can they do fine without us though? We don't understand it because we don't do fine without them everyday. We miss them, long for their words, their voice, their laughter. We tried not to cry but we couldn't stop crying so I had to call a truce so we could calm down and stop crying. We were actually sobbing we were crying so hard. Two of us, family members, the mom and the youngest child who really feels robbed of the benefits of knowing her siblings well. Two of them just act like it's no big deal to be distant - unattached to us, we hate it.

This situation with my daughter is really all encompassing. Perhaps she wants it to be so painful for me that I'm as miserable as she is. She's doing a good job then. She's getting married and she has excluded me from everything; even the wedding. That's not what's so hard to deal with. It's that I know that she's attacking and blaming everyone for certain reasons and she won't even try to understand it. It's hurting her life more than it's hurting mine. It will hurt her marriage, her job and her children when she has some. This tug of war in my heart and my mind is killing me. It's overwhelming to deal with when I'm always feeling like a part of me has been amputated.

Physically... my back is peeling big time. I got fried in the sun on my weekend to Michigan and only my back got burned, but burned badly. It is peeling and itching non stop. I am miserable. Besides that my feet are so swollen and no one knows why. They hurt. Oh well it could be worse. It's just that it's constant discomfort.

My seventeen year old son wants to go back to school now. He has failed from being spurned over the years by insolent and abusive teachers. He just gave up. He refused to be disrespected. Combined with the fact that he hates school because of it even the home school has failed. He is driving me nuts with his excuses and his demeanor over the insignificance of an education. Deep down he knows he needs an education, but he is lazy and doens't want to do what he needs to do which is the work. His intelligence level is up there - way up there, but he just won't do the work. I'm stuck in doing what I need to do to make him try to do what needs to be done. School again will be interesting.

Besides all that stuff, I've got some new ventures going that I'm hopefully going to be able to turn into income. Any income will help us. This is daunting as well. Perhaps my son and I have the same bug. I get nervous, anxious and feel defeated before I start. Although my brain says, "You can do it." my feelings and emotions get in the way and I'm sitting here STUCK! I hate it.

That's me - overwhelmed. For today anyway.. bye.

My Experience with Four out of Five Kids

2009-07-12T20:47:00.004-04:00

I gave birth to five kids. It's not every day that you hear someone say, "I gave birth to five people." We just don't think of it that way. We use the word, "kids" or "children" when we start linking the birthing process to the end result. We don't usually connect the fact that we're producing new individuals - grown up people to the world. So this weekend as I sat on the beach watching the four out of five individual people I gave birth to, I smiled. I had to watch with wonder at how they interacted with each other because they are rarely together at one time.

This past weekend, you'll know more about if you read my last post was a long weekend at Holland State Park in Holland, Michigan. I've been planning this weekend for some time now and it's very difficult to plan for people besides your own self. The people I'm talking about are my people, my children, my grown up individual people who were once children. My son is twenty-five and always working. He likes his work as a bartended and part time manager of a bar in Grand Rapids, Michigan, but he works a lot. You know the story, it's the business for weekends and holidays.

I hadn't seen him in almost two years. Neither had his siblings. This isn't acceptable to me. It's most likely not acceptable to any mother; unless you're one of those mothers who likes to empty the nest and then go on with life. That's not me. I want to have my children, the grown up ones as well as the teenage ones who are the youngest around me from time to time. They can live a million miles away if they want to - but they must see me and their siblings once in a while. They must touch base and that means, touch home, at least once a year. It's required of my kids, my people, my grown ups.

So as these unacceptable circumstances transpired; I had time to make up for. I had to watch them talk to each other, look at each other, touch each other, laugh together, get to know the new ones amongst them (the grandchildren - boyfriends - girlfriends) and me; I have to get my two cents in as well. I have to see that they're alive, that they're healthy looking, that they're okay mentally and I need a hug from them. That's all I need. I'm the mom, I gave them life, I deserved one hug and one look a year. Too bad if you don't agree with me. You're not one of my kids anyway.

So many emotions and feelings flooded me. It's truly amazing. I am so confused and dazed after all of the observing I did. I loved every second of it and I mindfully became aware of every second of the day and night we all had together. One child - individual was missing as we were all painfully aware. My oldest daughter who has been written about before here in this blog was of course, not with us. She has distanced herself. It's easier for her to be distant than to be real.

That's a shame. Don't let that happen to you. Come out, come out where ever you are! Be real and truthful with yourself and go love your family because they love you; especially your mothers. I watched my grand daughter who has been indoctrinated with negative feelings about her uncle become unindoctrinated through patience and love. My next to the oldest daughter takes it personally that her brother doesn't have time to spend with her and her family. I don't take it personally anymore. I used to.

I just love them all for who they are. There's nothing any of them could do that would make me not love them anymore. I just want that one hug a year and to lay my eyes on them just once a year. I'm so into them all that for my entire adult life I've been against tattoos. When I was sitting on my beach blanket watching them all I made a decision. I'm going to get a tattoo for each one of my people. I might even get a tattoo for each of my people's people. Each one I will draw myself and each one I will carry with me everyday of my life and of their lives and this will allow me to honor them in some sort of physical sense that I never understood before about tattoos.

I have believed that in the bible it says not to mark your body permanently. I usually try to do what I believe the Lord wants us to do, but this is something I feel compelled to do whether it be of God or not. Tears are flowing steadily down my cheeks as I type this. I'm so emotional right now. I haven't had time to recogize, identify or process any of my feelings from the weekend. So many moments and not enough time to honor each one properly.

And so my memories will be honored and recounted, each one of them. I refuse to forget any of them. No longer will I stuff emotions, hide them, bury them and not deal with them. That person is in the past. The new person in me wants to be in the present moment with each experience, each emotion, each feeling that comes my way. My people were gloriously beautiful with each other and my hugs were priceless. My birthday was just as I wanted it. Thank you God.

Holland Beach Weekend in Michigan

2009-07-12T19:26:00.003-04:00

My family just spent a long weekend in Holland, Michigan. Blue skies, blue water, many different hues of blue everywhere, beach umbrellas, flags on boats, and bathing suits... it's a beautiful place to visit. If you've never been there, Lake Michigan is so vast and so beautiful that it can remind you of being at the ocean. Holland Beach has a special quality that other places like Cape Cod, Massachusetts has; old timey, big houses to rent, sand dunes, ice cream parlors, people on bicycles everywhere, but mostly a family environment.

Holland Michigan has some well to do people living within it's boundaries. They're what some people might consider the "beautiful people." Their hair is always groomed, clothes the latest styles and they're largely a Dutch population, tall, lanky and blonde. The women have lean torsoes and big hips and flat buttocks. They all look the same. Everywhere you look, it's blonde and tall with a smart looking edgy haircut. Blue eyes, fair skinned, these people have last names that begin with "Van" or end with "an." Von Landeran, or Van Londeran or anything of that combination.

The people fit in well with the backdrop. I've always loved Holland State Park and have spent many nights there camping on the sand, many days in the water and playing in the sand with my children and I can guarantee that anyone who visits this place will find it magical. This particular weekend there were several boats off the pier tied together flying pirate flags, black with red markings. They were playing music loudly and dressed up in pirate attire. It was glorious. Big cigarette boats, sailboats, and yachts (boats with rooms in them as my child once described) were everywhere you looked. The pier was loaded with people, more than I've ever seen before. It was a party hearty atmosphere.

There was only one problem. I have a disability. I broke my leg six years ago and it healed badly. I had spent two years in a wheel chair with a non union fracture. I had to have my fibula separated because when it healed crooked; it put pressure on my tibia which wouldn't allow that bone to heal correctly. Six long years since I've been able to walk on the sand without pain. I tried to do it this time and I was in tears. My son helped me walk very slowly, as I cried in pain from the water to the beach house and walkway. Right in the center of this vast area of sand sat a group of young adults who fit my prior descriptions.

The only difference was that they weren't beautiful people. They laughed at my efforts and made hurtful comments. My son, only seventeen was greatly upset because he felt helpless to protect me. My daughter's boyfriend made a remark that didn't need to be made but it was out of the same frustration. A lame fifty two year old woman who couldn't walk is being made fun of on such a glorious day in such a glorious setting, surrounded by many beautiful people. It was gut wrenching for me. I fight my fears of this happening every day. It happened though and I had to deal with it. It made my beautiful Holland Beach seem not so pretty after all. Just a few people who were mean and hurtful ruined much of my day by reminding me that I'm not the person I used to be - one of the beautiful and perfect.

I chose Holland Beach to spend my birthday and my reunion with four out of five of my kids. It was a very memorable weekend. We sat next to the channel watching the boats go in and out as we ate shrimp, bbq baby back ribs, brats and hamburgers all cooked on the grill. Potato salad never tasted so good and the baked beans were heaven. We watched a huge ship go through the channel letting go of the huge sounding horn. The breeze was slightly cool and we all have perfect pictures in our minds to keep as happy memories forever; except for that one horrible incident.

Perhaps those beautiful people aren't all as beautiful as they want to believe they are. God bless them all because I'd hate for any of them to have an injury like the one I had to experience for whatever reason. The Lord has taught me many lessons through becoming disabled. Perhaps someday those ugly remarks will teach those who produced them a lesson worth learning - just not this time.

Have you ever.........?

2009-07-08T21:51:00.003-04:00

Have you ever known someone who was abusing their child(ren) and you struggled over what to do about it? This is happening to me. I called the hotline for child protective services today. I got some information that I didn't want to hear. There's no way that they can do anything about the things I described because the abuse isn't bad enough yet. So you have to wait until someone gets physically hurt because they don't often accept mental abuse as reason to go after the jerks that do this to kids.

My daughter's boyfriend's mother is drug/alcohol addicted and in a domestic violent relationship with a guy who allows her to stay addicted. She is so selfish that she tells her kids that she doesn't want them to live with her. She tells them that she is thinking of herself first and she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to for their care. He and his sister are both teenagers so they are of the age that they can speak as the lady on the other end of the phone line told me. They are old enough to tell someone themselves what's going on in their home. This sucks.

So do you know someone like that? Have you ever wanted to tell them what you think of them? I have done it before. I just let this woman know one time that I didn't hate her or anything but she had to stop calling my son names, and blaming everything her son did on my son. He has his own mind, he knows right from wrong. So anyway... yeah... I did it once but this time the woman is so out of it on drugs and alcohol that she won't respond in a responsible way. It will be trouble for the kids. That's what she's about.

Have you ever just wanted to put your arms around a kid - other than your own - and tell them that life isn't this bad everywhere and that they could trust you if he or she wanted to? I feel like that. I want to tell this boyfriend of my daughter that he can trust me and count on me to help him. He has had to raise his half sister by himself. Even when they needed food, he would have to go out and make money - usually doing something illegal, I'm sure - to get the money they needed to buy food. The mother is on welfare. Welfare won't even do anything about it unless I report it and leave my name and help them to prosecute.

I can't do that because she will take it out on the kids. They will send these kids to the grandparents who are different because they are only half siblings and this would kill them to be separated. Have you ever wanted to just scream about the system that allows these things to happen over and over again because there is nothing else you can do?

That's my thought for the day. I did find out that deep brain stimulation can now help OCD people in some cases. I also found out that COPD may cause problems with mental health. But that's all I worked on with the physical you 101 website today and anxieties 101! Hey... send me a comment sometime! I'd love to hear some feedback!

How does all of this crap make me feel? Hopeless. It makes me feel hopeless.

My Emotional Reactions

2009-07-07T13:00:00.003-04:00

I'm wondering if any of you out there in the world ever take the time to think about your reactions to emotions and feelings you feel. I'm very emotional, hyper-sensitive, hyper-aroused most of the time due to my post traumatic stress disorder. I've got a history of things to be emotionally reactive to. A HUGE history and I carry it with me, well parts of it anyway that I haven't been able to let go of yet. I'm still trying.

My oldest daughter, not talking to me anymore is incredibly hurtful to me. She wants it that way. She's punishing me. She is punishing me for being human and wanting to tell her sisters that she was going to be proposed to. Incredible. Now I just had my birthday yesterday and no word from her at all. I'll betcha she's thinking in her mind, "I'll really upset her by not saying anything to her on her birthday!" But to me... what I feel is - "You're incredibly sad and tormented to have to think that way..." Making other people unhappy isn't my thing. How about you? Do you think the way my daughter does or like me?

I have a friend who recently went to live with her daughter who is married with one child. When she arrived from another state to move in to her daughter's home, there was chaos. Her daughter forgot that she had invited her mother to live there. She was asking the husband for a divorce and relinquishing custody of her son to the father of the child. She, of course, was involved in an affair. How do we react to this? What's the correct way to react? What do you do in that situation?

Our children, whether they be two or twenty two or even thirty two - are still our children. What they do affects us. We love them. We want them to be happy and we want a continued relationship with them more than ever because after all, they are a part of us. We took care of them for almost twenty years and cried and laughed and toughed it out when things were hard. We might not have been the best parents, but we did what we knew how to do.

I have a son who lives in Grand Rapids, Michigan. He is twenty five years old. I haven't seen him in almost two years. This hurts me. It hurts me that he doesn't hurt or appear to hurt the same as I do because we have had so many months between our last visit. Our last visit was because he had been attacked by a jerk he had been playing pool with in a bar. The guy ruptured his main artery in his arm and sent him into surgery. It was a serious injury. I was triggered by being exposed to my ex husband and his wife on that trip as they were in their best form of abusiveness.

My reaction was to choke up and cry inward. I know how to silently cry because as a child we were required to cry silently. Never was crying an acceptable behavior. I cry inwardly many times while I'm away from my kids. I miss them immensely when we are separated. I don't like being away from them at all. Thank the Lord, my second oldest daughter has filled my need to be close by living right here in the armpit of the United States, Dayton, Ohio - just so my husband and I could be their childrens' main babysitter. I am very lucky with that. I cry tears of joy - inwardly - concerning this.

In learning to live with emotions and feelings - recognizing them, identifying just what it is I'm feeling or emoting. Processing our emotions and feelings is incredibly important and the "initial reaction" is included in the processing of emotions and feelings. What are your reactions about...? Do you react at all or are you silenting your reactions so that no one knows what hurts your or what makes you scream with glee? I"m curious about this.

And so... today I was very humbled by the fact that my youngest daughter is suffering with strep throat and in pain. I couldn't make it better. I was frustrated so I got mad. I didn't know what to do but to touch her hair and stroke it. All night she was crying, "Mommy make the pain go away..." and I couldn't so I got mad. Then I ordered her back to bed because there was nothing I could do. What kind of reaction was that to have? Was it making her feel worse? I hope not.

And then I was frustrated again when my son called me while I was at the drive-thru window at Tim Horton's trying to pay and get my drinks into the car at the same time I was holding the cell phone. I curtly expounded, "I'll call you back later!" Can't I control myself? Can't I get the processing of the emotions right? My initial reactions seem so uncontrolled. How about yours? Give me some feedback here folks! I'm waiting for you!

Parents... Teach Your Children Well

2009-07-06T17:00:00.005-04:00

I've had it. Another mother has left her baby in her car while she went to work across the street at Miami Valley Hospital. A food court worker left her nine month old baby on the backseat floor of the car with a bottle of rotten milk and went to work. The temperature in the car when the baby was found was nearing one hundred degrees. Just in time the baby was found and rescued.

What's wrong with people? In any state of mind, you must know that leaving a baby alone in a car for any amount of time is wrong. Parents... treat your children well and teach them that this is unacceptable behavior from a very young age. All life is precious and perhaps we, as parents aren't stressing that fact enough.

Parents - it's time to start teaching your children at a very young age that people need to be ready for being a parent in more ways than by being biologically adept. I feel that we, as parents aren't making sure that our kids love themselves enough to stay away from sex in the teenage years and early twenties if not married. It's the answer to the problem. It's the easier thing to do. Believe me. Teaching your child how to have a healthy sense of self esteem and how to love and honor their own selves by taking part in healthy self care habits is far easier than dealing with the pill, condoms and worry throughout the teen years. It's definetly easier than going through a teen pregnancy.

It's time for this very prominent problem to be taken care of. How are you doing as a role model to your teen girl? Do you take care of your own self? Does she see you honoring your own body and mind? It's up to you ladies, to teach your children well. This means leading an example that you want them to follow.

Dads.... what kind of relationship do you have with your daughters? It's imperative that you model for them the behavior you want them to look for in a mate. Don't be a jerk and mistreat your wife and kids. Be there for them and teach them well. It's so important for dads to get up to bat and perform!!!! Be there and available for your children so that they know you care about them and love them. Show your daughter affection in an honorable way so that they know the difference between appropriate touching and inappropriate touching.

Give me your thoughts on this topic. It's only when we stand up to the plate to teach our children well that things will change!